The end of dreams

2

Within a few minutes Silvia was inside an ambulance. It was the first time she had the opportunity to observe one this closely.
«Hopefully this is the last time I'm on the inside of an ambulance» she muttered.
She wasn't concerned about the fact that she had fainted: between the heat and the shocking news it could have happened to anyone.
«Damn it! It's too early for a relapse. And anyway, what does a relapse mean? In her head! How could it have traveled from her breast to her head? There are other organs along the way! No, it's impossible... it's gotta be a mistake. Goddamned doctors, at the slightest sign they already expect the worst. They could care less how it affects us! If they make a mistake, they just apologize and move on. In the meantime they don't consider that they've caused us to age ten years in a split second. We are just a number to them. Doctors! Goddamned doctors!» she grumbled to herself.
«Did you say something?» asked the paramedic.
«Yes, where are you taking me?»
«We're going to Saint Raphael Hospital»
«Could you take me to Humanitas Hospital?» she asked, softening her tone. If she could persuade them to take her to where Michelle was admitted she could at least see her. That would make this whole ordeal today bearable.
«Unfortunately we are supposed to take you to the nearest hospital with available beds. Look, we're already reaching our destination.»
In fact, within seconds, the ambulance stopped and the back-door swung open.
Silvia decided to exit the ambulance by herself to make a point that they had taken her there needlessly.
They helped her take a seat in the waiting-room  and a physician examined her soon after.
«What happened to you?» the doctor on duty at the emergency room asked her kindly.
«I passed out at the supermarket.»
«Have you ever passed out before?»
«It almost always happens, in summer.»
This was just a waste of time.
«Were you ever examined after one of those fainting spells?»
«Of course not!» answered the girl «It's nothing!»
«It's not insignificant nor is it normal or healthy to frequently pass out! Take me, for example, it has never happened to me. We'll take a blood sample to make sure your blood values are within normal limits; we'll also measure your blood pressure and then, if it's normal, you'll undergo an electrocardiogram.»
At that point Silvia resigned herself to spending the rest of the sweltering day in that horrible emergency room.
«Alright, at least I'll enjoy the cool...» she thought, trying to find some consolation.
«Your blood pressure is quite good. In an hour's time we'll have the results of your blood sample too and we'll decide what to do. You can take a seat in the waiting-room now. We'll call you.»
A few seconds later her cellphone rang: it was Diamond.
«We are in a hospital, miss, in case you haven't noticed! Cell phones must be switched off!» a nurse was warning her from the other side of the hall.
«Yes, I'm sorry» she said in a loud voice, while mentally telling her to go to hell.
Then she distanced herself from the other people in the room and answered the phone.
«Hello, mum, yeah, I'm all right.»
«Why are you speaking in a low voice?» asked Diamond, growing suspicious.
«Uh... I'm at the ice-cream parlor with Paula.»
«Is it hot?»
«What do you think?»
«The weather is gorgeous here! Why don't you come to the mountains to spend your holidays?»
«I'd rather shoot myself than spend my holidays with you!» answered Silvia curtly.
«You're nicer than usual...» her mother shot back, annoyed.
«Do you really believe a twenty-nine-year-old girl would ever spend her holidays with her parents? And what's more, in that little village full of old people! Come on, mum, don't you get it?» replied Silvia.
«You can't even imagine what you're losing out on!» blurted Diamond, hurt by her daughter's uncaring remark.
«Anyway, if you want to hear from me just give me a ring. I won't call you anymore.» then she hung up..
«That's all I needed» sighed Silvia.
During that time things weren't working out for her at all. Aside from dealing with the tragic knowledge that cancer was closing in on her one and only best friend, which in and of itself turned the past year into a living hell and one of the darkest moments of her existence but to add to it, about a month earlier, the love of her life had broken up with her.
She had met George exactly one year before and that encounter had coincided with a very particular moment in her life when her perspective began to shift. Silvia had been cultivating strange thoughts for a while. She had started feeling the need to stop. She suddenly began to feel tired of having to go out every night and of spending her nights in clubs and pubs frequented by people who were so different from her. It was only recently that she found that crowd, whose singular focus was to keep up with fashion trends or to hang out in the hot spots of the city, fun and entertaining. Some would prefer to fall into debt just to possess that rare high-end objects. After a while, however, this crowd became tiresome. The monotonous routine of meeting new people left her devoid of personal gratification. She began to realize that although she met numerous people she really did not know any of them in any profound way. She would meet fun-loving, beautiful girls without a care in the world, or spend the night with gorgeous guys and then not even bother to greet them the following night.
She was definitely fed-up with this life style.
She began to be aware of her need to find someone mature to share her life with, the simple pleasures and the daily grind. She began to long for a family of her own. When coming across a pregnant woman, instead of her usual reaction, which was to cringe in terror, a sensation that she could not shake off for days afterwards, she now experienced an unsettling new emotion bordering on envy. She began to envision herself in those shoes and she could appreciate the complexity and commitment it would take to start a family and not something that she could take for granted.
She had not yet gotten to the point of melting in front of a baby, but she knew she was not far off.
She had never felt such a strong longing for a stable life, for a hearth of her own. Meeting George at this momentous shift in her life was, to her, destiny.
She was always of the opinion that life itself would guide her and that no event was caused by chance. On this occasion her convictions were confirmed.
Among other things George was the perfect personification of her ideal man. First of all he was the perfect age. He wasn't younger than her, something she could not tolerate (although she had no idea why she felt like that) and he wasn't too much older either.
He was, no doubt, a handsome man, although his was an understated look, the kind of beauty that reveals itself little by little. He was nothing like those metro-sexual types she had lately been seeing more and more frequently. They were striking men but they were even more conceited than women and, ultimately, not sensual!
George was the kind of man you would notice after getting to know him a little: tall, dark-haired, his fair skin unblemished by the sun or tanned by a tanning bed. He had a lovely profile and an expansive forehead. He was a man whose presence alone could instil in her the serenity she was missing, thanks to his calm and determined nature. All of his actions were permeated by infinite intelligence.
George was indeed the most intelligent man Silvia had ever met. He could hold a conversation with anyone and on any topic with ease and was always knowledgeable and current. Silvia adored to observe him conversing, especially because he usually preferred to listen and when he spoke he always said reasonable things. George possessed real wide-ranging knowledge yet he never flaunted it, on the contrary, he minimized it so as not to risk embarrassing others. He was  a humble man and that made him exceptional in Silvia's eyes, who considered humility the trait of true genius.
He stood out from his peers... a man wise beyond his 32 years and someone who had come to terms with himself and with the whole world. He was quite the opposite of Silvia, who during this time was prey to devastating internal turmoil.
Kindness was a quality that he must possess in Silvia's eyes. In fact, anyone wanting to get close to Silvia needed to be kind as all her friends, relatives and acquaintances doubtless were.. 
Everyone else she avoided like the plague.
Even in this context George stood out among others. His kindness was exceptional in a way that wasn't just expressed through his manners, as it does in most cases, rather it permeated his whole essence. Each and every word or thought of his was thoroughly imbued with kindness.
For all of these reasons George stood at the pinnacle of the mountain of Silvia's dreams, where he had been dwelling for a long time; the very moment she had begun feeling a profound need for the personification of those dreams he had miraculously fulfilled it!
This is why her whole world came crashing down when, with the uttermost gentleness, he told her that he was unsure of his feelings for her. He loved her completely but he was uncertain that his love, despite its purity, would last forever.
He didn't feel ready to take the ultimate next step. When Silvia proposed that they move in together arguing that it was a natural progression in their relationship, especially at their age, George preferred to break it off.
It was an enormous test of his propriety and sensibility to deny himself Silvia's companionship because he was good with her so this separation caused him much suffering as well.
For this reason she was incapable of hating him. How could she feel hurt or offended by so much honesty?
Notwithstanding that, the end of their love story had thrown her into unbearable angst. 
He was really unique, her George.
She would never meet another man like him again, of this she was certain.
She couldn't even commiserate with her closest friend Michelle because she was facing her own desperate situation.
That was the real tragedy.
The phone rang once again and, like every time she heard that sound the hope that it would be him on the other end caused her to feel a surge of joy that instantly disappeared upon answering it.
«Oh, it's you» she said, disappointed.
«Who did you think I was?» asked Andrew from the other side of the phone connection.
«Did you hope to hear violins?» he teased, alluding to George's passion for that instrument.
«Get on with it, what do you want?» immediately regretting being so cold with him.
«I'm sorry, Andrew, but I've had a hard day» she was trying to take back her words.
«What else is new...» came his ironic interruption.
«I am in the hospital. I passed out in the supermarket close to home.»
«Oh, I'm sorry, which hospital are you in?» he asked worried.
«Don't you dare come here!»
«What makes you think I want to do that?» he answered annoyed.
Silvia felt like a fool. She was still convinced she was the center of that man's life just because he had always been so thoughtful toward her.
«I'm in Saint Raphael's Hospital.»
In the meantime the nurse gave her a stern look and asked her to enter the first-aid station.
«I had asked you to keep your cellphone off» she snarled at her and motioned her to a chair.
«I have to go. They've called me. I'll give you a buzz as soon as I leave the hospital.»
A few seconds later the doctor entered the room with a medical report in his hand and a strange smile on his face.
«What now?» asked Silvia, curious on account of his cheerful mood.
«Congratulations!» said the doctor, grinning from ear to ear.
«Congratu-what?» asked Silvia, completely missing the meaning of his remark.
«So you don't know?»
«What-should-I-know?» the girl asked as she began to get nervous.
«My dear lady, you are pregnant!»
Her head started spinning again and if she didn't pass out this time it was only because she was already sitting.
«You couldn't have given me worse news.»
The doctor's face clouded over.
«I can't keep the baby; I don't even know how it happened! But are you sure? Let me take another blood test, please! There must be a mistake!»
«The results of your blood test are clear, and I assure you it's your sample we tested» he said, showing her the medical reports.
«I don't even know whose baby this is!» Silvia let that slip in her despair.
«Calm down» said the doctor, trying to console her.
«I can't calm down!» said Silvia, springing up to her feet.
«Listen, I must have an abortion, and I must have it now!»
«Sorry but we're all conscientious objectors in this hospital.»
«Here you go, you moralists! What next? It's a nightmare, a nightmare! Please, let me go, I've got no time to waste.»
She signed the documents for her discharge, then she left the emergency room, took a taxi and had herself taken to an alternate hospital close by.
«Any hospital as long as "Saint" isn't included in its name!» she told the driver.
«Is Macedonio Melloni Hospital okay with you?»
«Perfect» she replied.
She arrived at the first-aid station of that second hospital and approached the reception in great haste.
«I have just found out I am pregnant. I must have an abortion. Immediately.»
«Please, calm down, Madam» the nurse told her «unfortunately this is not the right ward. You have to go to central reception and book an appointment with a gynecologist who's not a conscientious objector. It'll obviously take several days to get an appointment.»
Silvia complied with the nurse's directions and hoped she could book an appointment for the following day.
Unfortunately the earliest appointment she was able to book was for the eleventh of August.
«Good bye holidays» she grumbled.
She would have gotten rid of that foreign body inside of her that very day if only she had been able to! She'd have had plenty of time over the next several days to wallow in her useless feelings of guilt that would have undoubtedly arisen, maybe while enjoying an ice cold drink under the shade of an umbrella at the beach.
She did not want the baby, that she was sure of, and she would do anything to rid herself of it as soon as possible.