The end of dreams

9

The following morning Silvia woke up early.
The office was closed for the summer holidays and she could have slept till late in the morning, but her nausea, her worries and the noise of the bypass left her no way out. So she turned on the oracle and she began making researches.
She started again from the point where she had stopped her last research, id est the tiny cervical metastases; she hoped to find some bits of news that could at least turn out slightly encouraging and that would contradict what she had read the previous day... but she found absolutely none of them.
She grieved for at least an hour, since she found out the worst  information possible; she suddenly felt the desire to throw her personal computer out the window, so, in order not to succumb to such a strong temptation, she changed the subject of her research by shifting definitely to another theme, namely the abortion.
«I can't keep you, Alien» she told him «Come on, don't act like this... just fancy if you should get a tumor when you are thirty. You have no idea how much pain it brings about! You'll leave this earth without even realizing what's going on. You're privileged, do you understand?»
She began to read the accounts of those who had experienced abortion before her, so that she could get a little more ready for it. They all began by describing technical details, like the days of hospitalization, the type of anaesthesia, the consequent belly-aches; then the accounts concluded by underlining the real pain: namely the pain of one's soul.
She was already able to foresee the suffering that would follow an action like that.
«I'm going to feel guilty, extremely guilty for you. But how can I keep you? I haven't sought you anyway, I don't even know who the deuce your father is! How can I bring you up by myself? Should I sacrifice my life for you, while I don't even know who you are? How did you get here? Why did you do that, why?!»
She was tempted to hit the wall violently with her head, but she kept from doing it.
«You're like a cancer, Alien!»

The phone rang.
«If only it was who I wish it was...»
She closed her eyes then she started rummaging in her bag, hoping it was George who was calling her; maybe he had changed his mind.
But when she opened her eyes she realized it was just him, once more.
«Hi, Andrew» she answered, trying to hide her disappointment.
«So how is Michelle?» the boy asked her, in a state of apprehension.
«We're getting ready for the worst.»
«What do the doctors say?»
«They told her it is nothing serious, but she looks like a woman whose hours are numbered.»
Andrew's blood ran cold. Silvia always managed to be over-clear and over-direct; her words shot out of her mouth like salvoes, she never tried to mitigate the meaning of what she said.
«My God.»
«They say the small nodules in her head are really tiny and should be reabsorbed through the radiotherapy. But I read everywhere that cervical metastases are incurable and, honestly, I do think this: they have given up curing her» her voice broke.
«It's you who must keep your courage! You must be strong for her too... just switch that goddamn computer off! Listen, this afternoon I'm going to the seaside, will you come with me? We're going to stay away just for a few days, a change of scenery will do you good.»
«I don't know, I don't want to leave... Michelle needs me right now.»
«It's just about some days...»
«Don't insist, Andrew. I'd love to come with you, you know that; this hot weather is killing me. But I don't have the heart to abandon her!»
«Do as you please. I'm leaving right after lunch, call me if you should change your mind » replied Andrew, curtly.

Silvia would have loved to leave with Andrew, especially to have a change of scenery; she was sick and tired of that torrid weather and of her oppressive nausea; furthermore she adored his house at the seaside. Yet she felt she ought to stay close to Michelle all the time.
So she thanked Andrew for his invitation and said good-bye to him. Then she tried immediately to call her friend up. Michelle was keeping her cellphone off, as she had always done lately. Silvia tried again an hour later, but she found the same boring voice of the answering service. Then she tried to call Anna, but her phone was off too.

She waited for a couple of hours, as she was sure she'd be called back, but her wait turned out to be no good.
Her cellphone, as if by magic, kept silent.
Even Diamond had ceased calling her for some days. She kept staring at that very hideous object for two hours, but it showed no sign of life. She even tried to phone herself by means of her telephone, to make sure her cellphone was working; that was the only ring during those two hours.
She attempted again to phone Michelle, as she deluded herself into thinking that meanwhile her friend had switched on her cellphone and maybe she had just overlooked her calls. Unfortunately Michelle's answering service was all she heard.
Therefore Silvia's intuition got her to consider the possibility that Michelle's silent cellphone was a clear message. Silvia realized that maybe she should step aside at that very moment, so that she would respect the need for privacy of both Michelle and Michelle's family. When such misfortunes happen it can be quite normal to seek refuge among one's beloved people, just to feel a little bit safer. Silvia was Michelle's bosom friend, that's true, but she was no blood sister; they were sisters only in theory.
So she texted Michelle to tell her about her plans.
Hi, Michelle, I'm going to Andrew's house on the Ligurian coast. It'll be good for me to change scenery for a while. Maybe my nausea will grant me a truce, down there. You know it just takes two hours to get there, so if you should need me even for a little chat tête-a-tête, just call me and I'll come running to see you. You can call me any time, day and night, my cellphone is gonna stay on just for you. I'll be away for a week at most, considering on August the eleventh I am taking medical advice by my gynaecologist, on only you know what. Please, give me a ring as soon as you read this message. Hugs and kisses.
An instant later she called Andrew and asked him to pop in a pick her up.