The end of dreams

13

           
Silvia adored the fresh air of the morning.
She seldom happened to go out that early but when it happened she felt profoundly guilty for not managing to do it more often. Every time she cursed at her laziness. Although it was August and that city was ineluctably Milan she felt a bit relieved by the crisp air. The sensation of a new positive day peeping out, that only the early morning could offer to her, turned out pleasant, especially after the night she had just spent in who knows which part of hell. On that day she thought that  even the air smelt better. The almost total absence of cars - they used to infest the urban streets both in the daytime and in the nighttime - was like a manna from Heaven. The Milanese were all on holiday evidently, either in holiday resorts or at home; what fabulous relief! Silvia could hear even the birds chirruping that morning. She felt so happy that she began doubting she was fully awake.

She thought that was how one feels after smoking a joint.
Actually she faced the short journey to the hospital as if she was hovering between dream and reality; she maintained a moderate, lucid appearance of tranquillity and she almost repented of not going there by car. She was unusually calm when she arrived at the subwaystation. She made no haste in buying the tickets and even as she reached the platform a train came to the station so she was spared the trouble to wait. She got into a coach which was miraculously empty, so her doubts vanished: she was dreaming. Or maybe she just had never seen Milan in august.
She arrived in front of doctor Molteni's clinic two hours beforehand. She was under the reassuring impression that she was in a dream. That morning everything was breezing along so well that she began to think the results of the ultrasound scan would even reveal she was not pregnant! She visualized her gynaecologist diagnosing her with hysterical pregnancy: it was a plausible hypothesis, given all the stressful situations she had been forced to undergo recently.
"Maybe I wished pregnancy so that I could hold something of George in me. Yes, that is the case. I don't even feel sick this morning."
She almost convinced herself. 
"What are you doing here so early?" she was asked by the nurse, who was entering the doctor's office with a cup of coffee in her hand.
The nurse interrupted her daydream.
"I didn't feel sleepy" said Silvia "I'd like to wait for the doctor here, if it's no troube to you. I am not in hurry."
"You're pretty lucky, he's already here. He has just finished his nightshift; I'll try and ask him if he can see you rightaway but I can't promise you." 

Things were really going on without a hitch on that day; as amatter of fact just a few seconds later Silvia was asked to enter - she read the nameplate on the door - Andrea Molteni's clinic. She lowered her gaze on entering the room. It was no easy game to show up in front of a doctor with the intention of stopping one's pregnancy. The alien she was carrying in her womb was a living creature anyway, though in her eyes it was but a heaplet of crazy cells.

"Good morning" a female voice welcomed her at the bottom of the room. Silvia looked upward and she saw a pretty blonde lady, about fifty, sitting on the doctor's chair. She thought she was the nurse, even though that woman didn't quite resemble the nurse who had spoken to her in the waiting-room. Maybe she was an angel.
"G-good morning" answered Silvia, looking confused.
"Please, take a seat" the woman told her kindly, then she went on filling out a form, after she had got a glimpse of her new patient. Silvia sat down and tried to read the woman's name tag, but her attempt to pass unnoticed failed.
"Oh yes, I am doctress Andrea Molteni" she said, laughing.

Silvia blushed. Only then she remembered that name could be used for both sexes.

"Excuse me, I..."
"I know, I'll have to make up my mind and use both of my first names. Each of my new patients has the same doubts as you. If I should write Andrea Sophia Molteni it would be very different, I guess."
Silvia smiled. 
"Now let's talk about you..." the girl sighed. 
"Well, this a case of unwished pregnancy..."  said the doctress, in a sorry voice.
Silvia lowered her gaze again.
"You see, actually I don't really know how it all has happened. In other words it's not that I don't have a partner, I mean, I have a partner, um, I used to have him... but maybe the pregnancy test... I don't know..."  

"Don't worry, Silvia. I've learnt by experience that when a woman makes such a difficult choice she certainly has very good reasons. I don't want to know about them. My task is to help you face this passage in the best way possible. All I am interested in is your both physical and mental health."

The woman reassured her by touching lightly her nervously intertwined hands, that were resting on the table.
"Now I'm going to carry out an ultrasound scan of your abdomen so I'll see if there's an undesired guest". 
A tear flowed from Silvia's eyes.
"I am really experiencing tough moments now".
"They are just  moments, they are going to pass. Take it from me, you'll soon get your life back".  "I hope so".   

"As soon as you feel ready you can enter the other room".

Silvia took off her clothes while she felt the uneasiness typical of that medical examination, then she sprawled on the little bed and took the obscene gynaecological posture. The doctress examined her very gently, without ever looking downward not to make her feel more uncomfortable.  

"Everything is okay here, we can shift to the ultrasound scan. First we'll try externally and check out if there's something visible.

At that point Silvia watched the monitor and forgot about her embarassment. She saw the dark screen, then she saw a light bubble appear out of all that black darkness. 

"Oh yeah, here it is. This is the yolc sac. It's like a little room..." the doctress explained. She pressed her hand slightly on Silvia'sabdomen, trying to see the inside of the sac and soon a timid light started glimmering. "This is the foetus. Fortunately it's all alone" she added. "It's very small, I can affirm the pregnancy has just begun."   

Silvia took a deeper look and she could only discern that little heart beating at an incredible rate. She wished so much it hadn't been real, she wished it had been hysterical pregnancy! Nausea came back.

"According to its size it should be about six weeks old. I'll organize your hospitalization in a few days, so the RU486 abortion pill will be sufficient to interrupt your pregnancy. Have you ever heard of it?"  

"Yes, I think so" answered Silvia, confusedly. She could not stop thinking of that glimmering little light. 

"It'll be a bed of roses in comparison with the curettage" the doctress added, relieved "you can dress yourself again".

Silvia felt very comforted thanks to those words. She'd soon get rid of that alien, more precisely, of that little heart: it was nothing but a little heart, after all. It would not be aware of anything, there could not possibly be the smallest trace of brain in those few pulsating millimeters. It would be like removing a mole, a mole gone crazy. She persuaded herself of it.
She went back to the writing table. The doctress pointed out a date on her agenda. 

"Is next monday okay with you?" 

"It's perfect" answered Silvia promptly. 

"We always give priority to pregnancy cases below seven weeks. The abortion pill is a great resource for us. No anesthesia needed, no external operation. Only some medical assistance during the expulsion phase which will occur spontaneously, that's all. So we'll see each other on august the sixteenth, it's a monday, at seven o' clock a.m. for your hospitalization. If everything goes well we'll  even discharge you in the evening. Please, be on time and don't forget to fast before you come here."

"I don't know how to thank you. You've really been so kind to me" said Silvia while shaking hands with her.

"See you soon" the doctress replied, smiling, while drinking the last drop of coffee left in her cup.