After graduating from high school, Mathew sets out to do a two-year missionary service like everyone else his age.
Mathew thought that his only problem would be him adjusting to the city as someone who's lived in a farming town all his life. he didn...
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"If your church won't let you participate, you could just look for one in the next town to pop into every now and again," Nath said, working with screws and some spare parts on the small kitchen island. I shrugged at his suggestion, sighing before I rested my head on the cool surface of the dining table in front of me. It was late noon on a weekday. Nath and I were hanging out. Well, I think you could call it that. I was reading one of the many books from his library, and he was kind enough to bring his work inside with him so that we could see each other. There was something about just being in each other's presence that made me happy.
For the past week, I've been trying to look for a way to still take part in the church. The thing is, I'm not allowed to if I don't agree to meet with a counselor. At this point, there was no difference between me and a none believer. If people knew what — who — I was if I decided to go to a temple, I probably wouldn't be let in.
I closed my eyes at the 'what' part of my thought process. I'm trying my best to get rid of the internalized shit I've been fed for most of my life. If I had to be with Nath, I had to be out and proud. Nath joking about closet cases and insecure gay people being annoying was just a joke, but it hit home for me, maybe a little too hard.
The sound of Nath drumming on the kitchen island with the plastic end of his screw made me force my mind to go back to the discussion at hand—attending church.
"It's not because you're gay," Sam had said to me the other day when I pulled him aside to ask about not being able to attend service or Sunday classes. He had been in his missionary uniform that day. I saw that he had a new partner that day and looked kind of worried to be seen around with me. I had pushed his behavior aside, pressing him on about it.
"Then what is it?" I asked, raising my voice a bit. His partner had coughed, probably trying to signal to Sam that he wanted to leave.
"It's because..." he never finished that sentence, he just bit down on his bottom lip before looking down at the ground. "Look, why are you asking me this? I'm working now, can't you talk to another elder or the counselor?"
Counselor. That word made me nervous, and I hadn't been sure if Sam had been acting in good fate. My mouth opened, but I didn't say anything, so I just looked away and sighed before leaving him to walk back to the library for my shift that morning.
It was annoying because I couldn't even attend service with them even though missionaries brought in people they were talking to all the time. What was the difference between me and them? Before I actively started to inquire about this, I thought I could shoehorn myself into the church while keeping my distance. Despite my decision to practice Christianity from my understanding and not in accordance with the doctrines of a specific church, growing up Mormon was all I knew, and of course, most of my understanding of what Christianity was from being Mormon.
"Mathew?" I blinked, realizing that I had spaced out again. I let out a sigh, sitting up and covering my face with my hands before sighing.
