Coming Home

Chapter 7

"What have I gotten myself into," I mumbled to myself as I looked at my face in the mirror. I hadn't spent an awful amount time getting ready for my beer with the lads but still a considerable amount of time compared to what I usually did when getting ready for a night out. I looked pathetic. They would probably all - like Alex - have undergone amazing transformations and look like wealthy rockstars, while I still looked like my plain-old-teenager-self like the last time they'd seen me. A little slimmer but that was pretty much it.

I had decided to meet up with the lads at our old pub where we used to go all the time when we had just started going out for real at the age of 17.

Walking to the pub (instead of racing down the streets on my red bicycle) had the advantage that I would be fashionably late while keeping hair and make up in place, instead of showing up on time all sweaty and out of breath as I usually was whenever I biked anywhere. Today, I needed to show the lads that I had kept everything together (and I also needed the hike to sort out my thoughts so I knew what to say when I saw them).

As I neared the pub, I could feel myself becoming more and more nervous, and I ended up opening the door with shaking, sweaty hands. Almost immediately, I noticed that they were playing The Strokes over the loudspeakers. Alex was probably already here and he had probably bribed the bartender to put on his all-time favourite band.

Looking around the room, my eyes immediately went to the booth at the back of the bar were we used to sit. It was occupied - but not by the lads. Damn. I had been looking forward to sit in that booth again, feeling 17. I scanned the room once more and realised that Alex was sitting in another booth, surrounded by three grown-up lads. It took me a few seconds to realise that those grown-up lads actually were my lads. Nick and Jamie both wore their hair longer than they had back in the day. Matt, on the other hand, had cut his shorter. Their clothes definitely shouted rich-and-important, but apart from that, they still looked pretty much the same as they had when they were in the beginning of their twenties. Suddenly, I didn't feel as plain anymore. I fitted right in - exactly as I always had.

"OI! ISSY!" Matt exclaimed as he noticed me gawking open-mouthed at them, "you came!" He said and pulled me in for a hug. He smelled just like he had back in the days and for a few seconds I forgot that six years had passed.

"Shit, you've grown up good, Is," Jamie said as he pulled me in for hug after Matt had let me go. Jamie still had his signature slightly-flushed cheeks - something that had caused him to be called "red riding hood" all the way through middle school, "hi Red," I said and leaned into the hug.

Nick gave me a huge hug too but didn't say anything apart from, "glad to see you, Is!"
I took the empty seat next to him and he gave me a beer that I thankfully accepted.

Matt was anxious to hear what I had been up to and I told them about my big travel to Asia a few years back, my career as a music critic for NME, and my part-time job tending the bar downtown.

"Yeah, we saw in that video!" Matt exclaimed excitedly.

"Don't even get me started," I said and began my usual rant of how people shouldn't record you unless they notify you first.

Alex still hadn't uttered a word - and to be honest, I couldn't quite decide whether I had been relieved or disappointed when he hadn't hugged me as I had arrived. I tried to look at him as little as possible but out the corner of my eye, I could tell that he was looking at me with an intrigued expression, taking a sip of his beer ever so often.

"Imma grab another round," Jamie suddenly said and I realised that all the guys had finished their beers and that I was far behind, "you want one, Is?" he asked me. I hesitated. I still had to work tomorrow but I was having a blast with the lads, "what the hell," I said and threw my hands up in the air, "sure".

Out the corner of my eye I could see Alex smiling triumphantly at his beer bottle.

-

The conversation flowed more easily than I had dreaded. We talked about all kinds of things that night. Their carreers. Their lives. My career. My life. Matt having a baby. Jamie having gotten engaged. But not once was the thing between Alex and I brought up. I had thought that the subject would've been the awkward elephant in the room but we danced elegantly around the subject without trespassing on dangerous grounds. Little by little, Alex had started to join in on the conversation but he wasn't his normal talkative-self. I often caught him looking at me, causing him to quickly look away and become interested in something else. He was weirding me out.

After I had emptied more beers than I had intended to, we decided to call it a night.

"I've had such a lovely evening," I said as I hugged Matt and Jamie goodbye outside the pub a couple of hours later. They were off in one direction while Alex, Nick, and I were off in the other.

"We're here for the next few weeks," Matt said as we hugged, "we should definitely see each other again, yeah?" He smiled and I nodded. I had missed them more than I had realised.

"Bye," I called out after them as Alex, Nick, and I started walking away from the pub. Neither of us said much before Nick waved and turned down his parents' street, leaving Alex and I on our own.

"So, where do you live now?" He asked me.

"I live downtown, actually. I just thought we should meet up at the old pub for old time's sake, you know. I'm sleeping at my mum's house tonight."

"I had a lovely night with you and your mum the other night," Alex said, "I'm sorry your dad passed...I didn't know."

I shrugged, "how could you have known? You were halfway around the globe when he kicked the bucket."

"I should have been there," he admitted, "I know he meant a lot to you. He meant a great deal to me too to be honest.."

I decided not to give Alex a smartass comment on how he definitely should have been here. Instead I said, "Yes, well that's what three packs of smokes a day for 40 years gives you. I miss him but I know he wouldn't have given up his fags for anything. Loved it too much," I shot Alex a sad smile.

"Yeah, he always was a stubborn bugger," Alex smiled causing me to chuckle. We proceeded to talk about my dad and the stupid things he used to say and do. I hadn't thought about him for a while. The mere thought of him had hurt too much but talking about him with someone who had known him - who hadn't seen him fragile and sick - meant a great deal to me. People always seemed to remember what my dad was like in his last months but Alex didn't. Simply because he didn't know.

Out the corner of my eye I could see Alex' brows furrow, "how's your mum holding up? And more importantly how are you holding up?"

The question took me off guard. People always asked me how my mum was handling things. They never asked me how I was handling everything. I stopped in the middle of the street and looked at Alex, "you know what? For the first time since he passed, it seems as if everything's fairly back to normal," I said.

I knew that it was the beers talking but in that moment, I truly felt alright for the first time since I had been told that the cancer was metastasizing. I felt young again, walking beside Alex from the old pub to our parents' houses as we had done millions of times before.

"Are my ears deceiving me?" He asked with a grin, "or are you actually saying that you're happy to see me?"

"Don't ruin the moment, you arse," I said and smacked him on his shoulder, "but I'm definitely not saying that I would die if you and the lads suddenly were to ask me if I wanted to hang out some time soon."

He shook his head with a small smile playing on his lips, "let's get you home," he said and flung his arm around me. I took a deep breath, appreciating the sweet smell of summer dew on the front lawns of the houses. All my worries were gone. I was walking here, right here, with the ghost of the boy I had once called my best friend and I felt young and happy again. I imagined being 17 again, sneaking in only to be met by my dad who never scolded me for coming home drunk (even though I wasn't allowed to drink) but instead wanted every detail of my night out with my best friends.