Louder

Chapter 11

      Serena, Carson and Jason all stood in front of the stage. A sea of fans stood behind Serena, but Serena didn't pay attention to them. With Carson's arm wrapped around her and Jason's complete attention on her, Serena seemed to be on cloud nine. She was glowing and I stared at her as I stood a few meters away, feeling uncomfortable.

      Jason laughed at something Serena said and Serena giggled. Carson kissed the top of Serena's head and something in me twisted. Something in me felt wrong and I looked away momentarily, unable to bare the way Carson and Serena looked at each other. I didn't know why, but whenever they acted like a couple it left a bad feeling in my gut. It left me wanting to run away, but I was always forced to stay because of Serena.

      I looked back at them and to my surprise, Carson glanced at me. A look of concern was on his face and I blushed, unsure of what to do. He nodded at me, as if to beckon me over, and I shook my head. Feeling worse than before, I then turned around and rushed to the basement, realizing Serena would be on stage soon.

      I soon entered the practicing room and I flopped onto the couch. I laid on it for a moment, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed. Everything had change and it had happened too fast for me to keep up. I was changing and so were my friends, and I didn't know how to feel about it.

      My phone rang and I jumped. Sitting up, I picked it up and smiled when I saw Liam appear on screen. He smiled back at me, looking just as tired as I felt. 

      "Serena's going to start soon," Liam said. "Are you ready?"

      "Yeah," I said softly. "I am."

      Liam nodded, but I noticed the look of pity in his eyes. Embarrassed, I grew thankful when he then flipped the camera so that I was now staring at Serena. She was wearing a gorgeous white dress and her blond hair fell down her back in light curls. She was waving at people in the crowd, recognizing them, and I stared at her. I took in how happy she looked - at how her cheeks were red with joy and how her eyes glistened. And despite how I felt, despite how much I knew I was beginning to regret doing this for Serena, I realized this was the best thing that happened to her. Serena was at her happiest.

      "This is one of my favourite songs," Serena said. "It's called Read All About It by Emeli Sandé". I hope you guys will enjoy it."

      "Of course we will!" a boy screamed.

      Serena laughed lightly and I smiled. And before I knew it, I began to sing into my silver mic as Serena sang into her golden mic. For once, Serena didn't walk around on the stage. Instead, she stood where she was with her eyes closed, feeling the music. I was amazed by how much it looked like she was singing her heart out.

       As usual, Liam turned the camera to face Carson and I stared at him, feeling something stir in my heart. He was watching Serena, looking proud, and I smiled to myself. Before he always looked stunned and shocked by Serena, but now he looked simply proud, as if he expected her to be amazing, and it left my heart growing warm. Liam kept the camera on him and for the rest of the song I watched Carson, feeling at home.

       Soon the song ended the crowd exploded into an applause. Serena received a standing ovation - like she always did - and I watched as she teared up. That was something I respected about Serena. Despite how popular she was, Serena was always thankful for the attention she received.

*****

      I was standing upstairs, watching as Serena talked to her fans. They crowded around her, filling up her personal space, and I reminded myself that, that was the last thing I wanted. Although there was an ache in my heart that craved for myself to be on stage, I kept reminding myself to be realistic about what I'd also hate about being in Serena's position.

      "Hey," Carson said, causing me to jump.

     Carson was standing beside me, leaning his back against the wall. He was staring at Serena, wearing a small smile, and I sighed lightly. 

      "Hey," I said.

      "Why don't you join Serena?" Carson asked. "Being alone doesn't seem like fun."

      "I don't want to interrupt." I shrug. "I'm not a fan of people invading my personal space anyways."

      Carson nodded, seeming to understand that. I grew relieved because I often felt like Carson didn't understand the things I preferred. He usually just thought I was weird.

      "What do you do in the basement while Serena sings?" Carson asked.

      "I just... nap," I said, hoping it wasn't obvious I was lying. "There's not much to do down there."

      "You could stay with me upstairs instead, you know. I know you don't like big crowds, but we can stay at this wall together away from everyone."

      Surprised by his request, I stared up at Carson for a moment, unsure of what to say. He stared down at me, looking serious, and I blushed. Looking away, I quickly thought of an excuse.

      "It's okay, I like the peacefulness of the basement," I said.

      "Then let me join you in the basement," Carson said, leaving me horrified. "I don't like the idea of you being alone."

      "No," I blurted out, leaving Carson frowning. "I mean... I'm sorry. I like being alone. I know people feel bad for people that are alone, but I genuinely don't mind being alone. Thank you for the offer though."

       "Why are you so freaked out by the idea of me spending time with you? Are you still scared of me?"

      "No. I just... I'm sorry. It's complicated."

       Carson stared at me for a moment, looking confused. I couldn't hold his stare, so I looked at Serena. To my surprise, she was staring at us, looking displeased. I gulped, remembering her worries.

       "Serena's amazing," Carson said, catching me off guard. "Sorry, I was thinking about how proud I am of her. Her voice.... it's one of a kind. It moves people and I'm so, so proud of her. She must've worked so hard to have her voice sound as angelic as it does. She deserves the attention she receives."

       I didn't reply to what Carson said at first. For a moment, I stared at him, thinking about what a lie his words were. Serena didn't deserve any of the attention she received. She didn't work hard for any of it. It was me singing, it was me who had the voice that was one of a kind and for the first time ever, I felt furious. I felt like screaming the truth and my hands curled into fists so I could restrain the truth from coming out.

      "Yeah," I said quietly. "She is... amazing."

      Carson nodded and his eyes went back to where Serena stood. She waved him over and Carson glanced at me, motioning for us to walk over to Serena. I shook my head, not wanting to be anywhere near her at the moment. For once, I felt disappointed in what she was doing and even disappointed in myself for allowing it.

       But as Carson walked over to Serena and hugged her, and Serena smiled widely at him, my heart grew heavy. Serena was my best friend, we'd been through so much together, and I knew she really wanted this. I knew her intentions hadn't been to hurt anyone and because of that, I sucked up my feelings and decided to never again grow angry about what I was doing for her.