minnow // sirius black

thirty-nine

39 ; ir

I walked into my own home, feeling like an intruder.

Sirius was laying on the couch, his shoulders propped against the arm closest to me. His entire body was straight, and there was one arm above his head while the other held Esme to his chest. I couldn't quite see his face, but by the steadiness of his breaths, and the tiny twitch in his hand, I could tell he was asleep.

She was awake, but just watching Biscuit slithering in his tank. When I opened the door, she lifted her head to look at me. This adorably wide smile took over her face. I held a finger to my lip and she turned to look back at Biscuit.

I tiptoed to the ottoman, sitting there as I watched the way Sirius slept. He looked so peaceful.

His stubble had been slowly turning into a full beard, and at this point it was just long enough to be out of that awkward phase. He was so handsome. My heart hurt.

I gently poked his side, and as soon as he felt it, he twitched. I poked him again, this tiny, pained, smile playing on my face. He sighed heavily as he opened one eye. That eye landed on me, and in his groggy sleep state, he smiled just the smallest amount.

A punch to the gut is all that smile felt like.

"Hi," He said quietly as he sat up, gently setting Esme on the floor between us. "What time is it?"

"It's nearly eight," Sirius nodded slowly. His mind started catching up, and he looked at me differently. "Remus came to James and Lily's. Said he talke-"

"I know."

"What do you mean?"

"I told you to go over there knowing he wanted to see you," Sirius said quietly. "I wanted you to have a chance to actually talk to him."

"Why'd you lie to me?"

Sirius seemed to have trouble forming words. He just looked at me. It wasn't nearly the same look he had that morning, but it wasn't the same look he had when we stood by that gazebo. He opened his mouth, once, then closed it. He opened it again, and sighed.

"I needed time, away from you. It's hard to think about what I want to do about..." Sirius repeated the open and close thing. He closed his eyes. "What I want to do about us. It's hard to think to about all of it when your right next to me. And I couldn't leave again."

I felt like he was slowly hacking pieces of my heart away. Slowly taking pieces of me away. I never wanted to feel like this, not with Sirius. I never wanted to feel like he was taking things from me that I wouldn't get back.

The extreme vulnerability that I was forcing myself to experience, opening this part of my heart to him, felt so unsafely foreign. I was not a very open person, and all of my friends knew this. Even him.

I felt like it would be so easy for him to hurt me in an irreparable way. He could so easily destroy every part of my being, and right now, I would let him. I would let him ruin my life if it meant he'd be happier.

I hated that.

Why wasn't I more scared? I felt a bit of fear because I obviously didn't want him to leave me, but there was a sense of acceptance. I'd let him, and I wouldn't fight.

Sirius got up, and walked to the kitchen. I looked down at Esme.

She looked at me with these wide, expectant eyes, and it felt like she was telling me what Lily had. I needed to force him to talk to me. So, I picked Esme up, walking to her room. She glared at me. "I'm going to talk to him, stop it," I mumbled as I set her on the floor. She grabbed a letter block and smiled.