minnow // sirius black

sixty

60  ;    the end

The night of October 23rd, 1981, would turn out to be my greatest mistake. 

It started out almost like any other day, but I was on edge. I was much more on edge that day than I usually was, and I knew it was because I was worried as hell. 

Tonight, when I got to see my brother for the first time in a month, and subsequently the last time, I was going to tell him I was pregnant. 

I was more than excited to tell James he would have another niece in less than four months, but I was also terrified to tell him that I was nearly six months pregnant, and Sirius didn't know. 

James would chastise me, of course, but I'd tell him the truth. I had felt the need to be as proactive in the Order as possible. That I did not want to get Sirius' hopes up if we'd just suffer another loss. I'd been going to my bi-weekly appointments, always under heavy glamour charms with Remus. 

Speaking of, we had not told Remus that they'd agreed to the charm. We would wait until after the charm was done, and we'd tell him that the Secret-Keeper was Sirius. 

I had pushed, very hard, for them to chose Peter. 

Remus was, at that time and in my eyes, the worst choice. I had become so convinced that Remus had been trying to get Harry killed, therefore putting James and Lily in mortal danger. I was so convinced that he had made a deal. 

Why?

I had woken up, on October 23rd, and promptly went to shower. As I stood there, the steaming water hitting my back and running over my shoulders, I ran a hand over my stomach. 

This little girl was very small, and so my bump was closer in similarity to when I was 3 months along with Esme. I did not look like I was only less than four months from my due date, February 12th. Sirius hadn't commented on the bump, and I figured he thought it was just because I'd been eating much more than usual. 

Due to my baby's blood coursing through my veins, my own blood wasn't attacking itself. I was in a standstill state of excellent health the same as with Esme and Aubrey. Plus, due to my very active state in the Order, I was out of the house on missions at least once a month, which helped my mental health an insane deal. I didn't dwell on my plans to kill Bellatrix, and my nightmares had stopped being so awful. 

Overall, I was a lot happier. 

But I did not forget the war. I knew that my happiness came from a place of great fortune, and I was very aware that if it weren't for the gifts given to me when I died, I wouldn't be here. I probably would be dead.

I tried not to think about what it would be like had I not been given these gifts, and this curse, but lived. I tried not to realize that my parents would likely still be alive. 

We still would have joined the Order, but I wouldn't be as useful. I wouldn't be such a big target either, at least not until James and Lily were delivered the prophecy. I would have been their Secret-Keeper, and they would have been safe no matter what. 

Yet, while I knew that some things would be easier, I knew that some things would be harder. All of those kids would've died in Orphanage fires, I never would have gotten as close to Dean and Kayla as I am. I likely wouldn't have my daughters, at least not the way they are. 

No matter how good that life sounded, it wasn't reality. 

Being as content with my health and duties as I was meant that I had an appetite. I could partially credit my baby, but I was eating full meals every day.