Dear Future Husband

March 20, 2019

Dear the mother to my children,

Why do I mess with things?

Why can't I just keep my fucking mouth shut? Why do I have to ruin things that are ok? Why do I always find a way to screw good things up?

I went off on Alina and I'm starting to regret it. Yeah, maybe it wasn't the most convenient relationship, but I didn't want to give her up just yet. I should've at least given her more time I guess, but with everything that was going on, I just wanted to have something good to look forward to at the end of the day.

I texted her goodnight like I usually did, just to see what she would say back. I really didn't want to break up, that was the last thing I wanted. She said goodnight back with her usual pink heart and I felt a little better. We weren't over. We couldn't be. We had just started.

She smiled at me in school but that was it. She really wasn't going to talk to me in public. I got kind of mad again and didn't see her the rest of the day. After lax practice I waited by the lower field for her. Usually she looks over at me and smiles or waves or something. Today, she completely ignored me while her friends gawked at me waiting there. I left. Obviously she was taking this whole thing very seriously.

I wondered if that meant we were over, even though we hadn't ever started.

My parents relationship was crumbling and suddenly mine was crumbling with it. Great, just to add even more shit to my life right now.

My mom took us all out to dinner with her attorney and gave us the same spiel dad's attorney did. She was smart to bring us somewhere public, then I couldn't scream at her and storm out, but her speech was still ineffective. My parents were paying their lawyers way too much, they couldn't convince us for shit.

Mom dropped us back at home and to no surprise, dad wasn't there. An entire house to ourselves again.

"I'm going to Ben's house," April said, not taking off her coat or shoes as she grabbed her car keys.

"April, can you please just stay for fifteen minutes?" I pleaded.

She scoffed. "Since when do you care?"

I sighed, running my fingers through my hair. "I think we need to have a sibling meeting."

She laughed. "Why? Are you trying to be an adult or something?"

"No, frankly I'm done with all of this divorce bullshit and would like to consult my siblings on how we are going to deal with it."

"You sound like grandma," She laughed, opening her garage. "We're dealing just fine, we don't need to have a sibling meeting."

I scoffed. "I'm not fine at all, thank you, I'm actually kind of angry. Jules, are you dealing with this well?"

She swallowed, looking uncomfortable being called out. "Uh... I don't know... not really."

I glared at April. "Sit down."

She rolled her eyes, flopping into a seat at the table. I took a seat across from her and Jules sat next to me.

"What are we going to do about this whole full custody thing?" I asked.

"Testify." April said, shrugging. "Personally, I'm more on dad's side at this point because he has the house and mom has a curfew for me, dad could give two shits."

"What the fuck April?" I scoffed, shaking my head. "Just like that, you're going to denounce your own mother?"

She shrugged. "Look, one of them is going to get full custody no matter what, I'm weighing my odds here and picking the lesser of two evils." She got up. "I'm done here, if you're going to sit there and judge me then I'm leaving." She stormed out of the house and I didn't bother trying to stop her.

The moment the door closed Jules started to cry. "I-I don't want to choose. I want to live with m-mom and d-dad." She buried her face in her hands, squeaky sobs escaping between her fingers.

"Hey," I started, taking her hands away from her face. "You don't have to choose."

"Yeah I do! April said it herself, they're going to make me choose!"

"Don't listen to April," I said firmly.

"She's right, Grant, she's the oldest and she knows best and she's right one of them will get us-"

"She's not the oldest," I blurted out, biting my tongue after.

We were both quiet for a moment, and she stayed still. I regretted saying it, but at the same time, I knew I would bring him up at some point.

Jules looked up at me slowly. "Will was the oldest."

I swallowed hard, nodding. "Will is the oldest, and Will would say that neither of them is a bad parent. Will would say both of them deserve to have us. Will wouldn't choose."

"What are we going to do?" She said softly, sniffling.

"What Will would do, Will wouldn't choose. He would refuse to speak badly about mom or dad, and he would make them share."

Will might've been long dead, but in the moment he was alive in both of us, he was helping us through this. He was reclaiming his role as the oldest since April couldn't do it. He inspired both of us to do the right thing.

How we were going to do that, I didn't know. The hearing day would still come and we would still be called up to the stand, and I wasn't going to leave that stand until the argument was dropped.

Somehow, I would do it.

Somehow I would make it work.

-Grant