In The Darkest Depths

05. Stay With Me

From the top of the stairs in our house, you can hear everything.

I've often sat here and listened to my parents argue about something that now seems so irrelevant but, at the time had felt earth-shattering. I've heard my dad serenade my mum in the dead of night when I should have been sleeping. I've listened to my mother weep after the accident last year and my dad's drunken rants about how 'life wasn't fair'.

And now, I can hear them talking about me.

"Saige said that it was a panic attack. She was on her knees on the floor, struggling to breathe."

"Because a girl screamed?"

"It obviously wasn't just that, Darren. It was the lake house in general. We should never have let her go in the first place after what happened."

"Has she been taking her medication?" I can hear the hesitation in my dad's voice as he asks this. My mum tends to go straight on the defensive. And making sure that I take my pills is a task that has been allotted to her.

"Of course she has!" But she's wrong; I haven't been taking them. I don't like the way they make me feel.

"Maybe she should see Dr Jenson again? The one with the funny moustache. Didn't she like him?"

"I can't remember if it was him, or the lady with the glasses. I'll have to ask Saige." I hear her sigh and I can imagine her running her hands through her auburn hair in agitation, unsure of what to do with me.

When will I stop being a burden to them?

"Either way, at least Saige told us. We can keep a close eye on her, see how she does." I picture my dad pulling my mum into his arms and stroking her hair softly. His words are reassuring and his tone is comforting.

He's been the anchor in our family for a long time.

I decide that I've had enough of eavesdropping, and head down the stairs, doing my best to put a smile on my face. I want to ease their worries, but it is so much harder than I thought.

"Morning," I call as brightly as I can. I was right; my dad is hugging my mum. She does her best to hide her tears from me, but I can see the redness of her eyes and the puffiness of her cheeks.

"Sweetie, how are you today?" my mum busies herself with turning the kettle on, her back to me.

"I'm okay." It's not exactly a lie. I didn't sleep much last night, but at least I didn't have any nightmares. Carter had texted me this morning to see how I was doing and that put a smile on my face before overhearing my parents' conversation wiped it off. So overall, I could be worse.

"Saige called us this morning Audrey." My dad informs me. I'm a little surprised that she waited until morning; normally she phones them straight away if I do something that worries her. Maybe she wanted to let them have a good night's sleep before stressing them out. Again.

"I figured she would. I'm so sorry."

At this, my mum finally turns to face me. "Honey, you have nothing to be sorry for." I may have inherited her auburn hair, but her eyes are a startling green, a colour I have always been envious of. Right now, they are filled with grief and regret.

"It's okay to break down sometimes, Audrey." My dad places a hand over mine, the fine wrinkles on his forehead creased. "It's how we build ourselves back up that matters."

What he doesn't mention is that this is not the first time I have broken down, nor will it be the last.

"I thought I was passed this." Now I'm doing my best to not let my tears show. Our roles have reversed dramatically in the space of a few seconds.

"Do you want to see someone again? Maybe that Dr Jekyll guy?" I know my dad has gotten his name wrong on purpose. He's trying to lighten the mood, a fact that I am grateful for.

"Yeah. Yeah I think that would be a good idea." Out of the parade of psychiatrists my parents sent me to, he was by far the nicest. Maybe I can tell him about my dreams, the one from the other night in particular.

I still don't feel right about it. Every time I close my eyes I can see my friend's corpses floating in the water.

Just a dream. It was just a dream.

"I'll call him on Monday then." My mum seems happy to be doing something; anything to help the situation.

We're interrupted by a knock at the door, and, exhausted from the conversation we've just had, I rush to answer it, glad for the excuse to get away. I'm so grateful, that I don't even bother checking my reflection in the mirror, instead throwing the door open only to be met with the last person I expected to see this morning.

"Carter?" God, his eyes are so blue. They look like uncut sapphires, like Arcadia Lake in the summer time. I could easily get lost in them, forgetting my train of thought.

But hidden within those depths is worry, and something else that I can't quite make out. It reminds me of the night before when I felt like he was neglecting to tell me something.

"Audrey, I wanted to see how you were doing?"

"I'm okay thanks." I am acutely aware of the fact that I am still in my sleeping shorts; that my hair is a mess and that I probably still have the remnants of last night's make up on my face. A blush tinges my cheeks as Carter looks at me as though searching for answers.

"Are you sure? I spoke to Saige this morning and-,"

"You did?" I know it's rude to interrupt, but I am slightly shocked by this. I haven't heard from Saige yet today. It's after nine in the morning and I know she's already been on the phone with my parents and apparently Carter too. Usually, by now I would have heard from her.

"Yeah, she called me," he answers.

Maybe, she's getting tired of my drama. Of the constant worry and stress that accompanies having me as a friend. Maybe, she wishes I was normal, instead of the kind of person who freaks out about the smallest things.

Or maybe, I'm reading too much into it and she is just busy, or tired. Or both.

But even as I'm thinking this, I see her red Nissan Micra pull up in my driveway. I release a breath I didn't know that I was holding as she slams the door and runs towards us. Maybe she didn't call because she was coming over in person?

"I was almost worried about you!" I attempt to joke to hide my relief at the fact she is here. "What time is this to be waking up? You've wasted half the day away already."

"Audrey." She doesn't sound her usual chirpy self. She sounds panicked and terrified. She pushes past Carter where he is still standing in front of our door, and throws her arms around me.

Was I that bad last night?

"Look, I'm really sorry about-," but she doesn't let me finish, cutting me off with a question that sends shivers dancing down my spine.

"Is Rhea here?"

"No, why?"

Saige and Carter share a look that I can't quite decipher. Carter reaches for my arm, almost as though he knows what's coming and it's a reflex for him to protect me.

"Rhea never went home last night. She's missing."