In The Darkest Depths

12. Have Left Me Torn

Saige looks run down, drained. The last few days have sucked the life out of her.

Her hair, usually so sleek and shiny, is dishevelled and dull. Her cheeks appear sunken in, as if the grief is eating her alive. There are deep bags under her eyes that match mine; heavy and pronounced. She looks as bad as I do.

We are supposed to be comforting each other, helping each other grieve. Instead, we have mostly sat in silence, unsure what to say.

"I feel like someone's always watching me," she finally says. "Am I just being paranoid?"

I don't answer her. I don't know how to. Because standing there outside the window of Saige's living room, is Rhea Carmichael.

It's the same Rhea that visited me in my room the other night; waterlogged and deathly pale. She stands outside with her hand pressed up against the glass, watching us. She wasn't there a few seconds ago. It's as if she was waiting for us to speak, like she wanted to listen in on our conversation.

So, no, Saige is not being paranoid.

"Audrey." Saige waves a hand in front of my face and it reminds me so much my dream. The one I haven't told her about yet. "Are you even listening to me?"

"No," I answer, and then realise how rude that sounded. "I mean, no I don't think you're being paranoid. Whoever hurt Rhea is still out there."

"I just can't believe she's really gone." Saige's eyes start to water and her lips tremble.

I should comfort her. I know I should. But there's a space between us that never used to exist. A crevice that has turned into a gaping hole that can never be bridged. A chasm shaped exactly like Rhea.

Or maybe, it's because I'm keeping things from her. Maybe I should just tell her everything. Starting from the dream where they all died, and ending at Rhea, still standing outside and staring at us.

But I can't do that. Saige already has enough on her plate, and I've been a constant source of worry for her for almost a year. I can't add to that. So I awkwardly pat her hand, holding in tears of my own and wishing that I could somehow fill the gap between us.

"Anyway," she wipes her eyes, but it does nothing to stop the flow. "Let's talk about something happy. I see you've been spending a lot of time with Carter?"

I can't help the blush that tinges my cheeks as I remember Carter's lips on mine. "He kissed me."

"He did? That's great!" She offers me a watery smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes. "How did it happen?"

"It just did. I was at his house yesterday." I omit the events that led up to it. I can't tell her about the panic attack without telling her everything. Besides, I can see she's not really interested right now. She's just trying to change the subject.

This conversation is just a distraction, for both of us.

"What do you think it means?"

"Probably nothing," I lie. For me it meant everything. "It was just in the heat of the moment. With what's happened-," I don't manage to stop myself in time, bringing up the subject we were trying desperately to avoid.

Saige looks down at her lap. "She would have been happy for you."

But, looking up at the Rhea still standing in the window, I'm not so sure about that.

I arrive home from Saige's house to find Carter waiting on the steps of our porch.

"Hey." His smile starts to defrost the icicles that had formed around my heart after seeing Saige.

"Hi." I'm nervous to see him, unsure how he feels today after our kiss. I haven't even heard from him since. He eases my concerns by immediately pulling me into his arms and placing a soft kiss on my lips, leaving me tingling all over.

"Your mum told me you went to see Saige, how is she?"

"Terrible. But then, aren't we all?"

"Yeah. I went to see Brennan. It's awful being in that house. It's not the same without her there."

I shudder just thinking about it. I don't think I will ever set foot in there again. "How is he?"

"I can't even get him to speak. He's completely broken. I could hear his mum crying from upstairs. It's gut wrenching. I don't think they will ever recover from this."

I don't think so either. I don't think any of us will. But I don't say that to him. "Have you heard from the detectives yet?"

"Yeah, I had to go in and give my statement early this morning. I'm surprised they waited so long."

I am too. At the moment I know I must be high on their suspect list, even if they pretend I'm not. I know they are starting to put together the events of that night. Looking for witnesses to provide statements. I should have asked Saige if she had been.

"They asked me a lot about you," Carter tells me, his blue eyes searching my face for a reaction. But really, I'm not all that surprised. "I didn't tell them anything though."

The way he's worded it sounds odd to me. It's as if he's done me a favour. But I have nothing to hide so I can't imagine what he would even say about me to them in the first place.

"What would there be to tell them?"

He shuffles his feet, looking slightly nervous. "I've been doing a lot of research into Post Traumatic-,"

"Why?" I can't help the coldness that creeps into my voice.

His face drains of colour as he scrambles for an answer. I don't think he expected me to be angry about it. But I am. I'm furious.

What right does he have to research conditions he thinks I might have? Does he think he's more qualified to tell me than any of the psychiatrists I've seen? Does he think I don't know all of this already? I have an appointment with Dr Jenson tomorrow; I don't need to hear it from Carter as well.

"I think you should leave," I snap.

"Audrey-,"

"Now, Carter. Please."

I can see by his face that he's about to argue, but decides against it. Instead he turns around and stalks to his car. From the way he stomps his feet, I can tell that his anger matches mine.

"I was just trying to help, Audrey," he throws at me before he slams the door and drives off.

But some people are beyond help. I know that first hand.