In The Darkest Depths

19. So Watch Me Fall

I have always wondered what it would feel like to drown.

I used to imagine it. How the sunlight would shine on the surface of the water as I am dragged down. How my entire body would beg for me to breathe, only to be disappointed as the water floods my lungs.

The pool of blood beneath Saige's body continues to spread, looking deep enough to drown in from here.

I feel like I am wading through the thick haze of reality. I can't get my bearings. I can't think straight. Surely it's time to wake up from this nightmare? Because there is no way that this can be real.

My heart pounds in time with my footsteps as I race down the stairs. I trip on the last one, sending my body sprawling across the wooden floor. Pain shoots through my knees and elbows, reminding me that this is definitely not a dream. My fingertips graze the puddle of blood, coming away red as I draw them back quickly.

It's so warm.

There's so much of it.

How is this happening?

I crawl to where she is, desperate to find a pulse. Ice freezes in my veins as I grab her wrist. There's no flutter of life beneath her skin. It's spilled out onto the floor around us.

"I'm so sorry." I pick up her broken body and cradle it in my arms, as if I can bring her back by the sheer force of my will. My apology means nothing to her, to any of them. Because I'm the one who killed them. I killed them all.

I held Rhea down in the water until she stopped moving.

I ran in front of Brennan's car.

That's why I kept seeing them everywhere. Why I felt like Saige's eyes were watching me in the photo at her funeral. And when Brennan came into my room, he wasn't pointing at Carter.

He was pointing at me.

Everything clicks into place, and yet I feel as though I am unraveling at the seams. Every single part of me is coming undone at the realization. I'm eroding away like the mountains by the lake.

The dreams I had about their deaths weren't dreams at all.

They were memories.

"Oh my God."

The voice is both foreign and familiar. It's Carter's, I would recognize it anywhere. But he doesn't sound like himself. He sounds like he's a hundred miles away, like he's talking through water. He sounds like he is only just realizing the evil he has let into his life. And his bed.

"I didn't mean to." The dam wall breaks and I can't control the sobs that rack throughout my entire body. Saige's corpse shakes with me, her skull moving up and down limply like one of those awful bobble heads.

"Audrey, it's okay. Just put her down.We can talk about this."

"I d-don't k-know how I got here. I w-was s-sleeping." I'm struggling to talk through the panic clutching my throat. My tears are choking me. Despite his request, I don't release my hold on Saige. I can't.

"I woke up and you were gone." He crouches down in front of me and I look at him for the first time. His face is filled with pure horror and disgust. His blue eyes are desperately trying not to look at the corpse in my arms. "Just let her go. Please, Audrey."

I'm covered in blood. I can feel it seeping into my pores, scarring me from the inside out. It's marking me for eternity, a tattoo of my sins. And still, I hold onto Saige, hugging her as the warmth slowly leaks from her body.

"I k-killed t-them. I k-killed t-them a-all." I admit a truth that I'm sure he has already worked out. Saying it out loud makes the tears come faster, running down my face in a steady stream. They mingle with the blood on Saige's forehead, turning it pink. Another thought occurs to me, "y-you k-knew."

"Not until I woke up alone in your bed. Everything started fitting into place. You knew Rhea well enough to know where she'd be. That damp patch in your room was from you, being in the lake with Rhea. That's why it took so long to dry."

"P-please d-don't." I shake my head furiously, not wanting to hear anymore. But his words rattle around in my brain, making their presence known.

"You were there during my phone calls with both Brennan and Saige when I was arranging to meet them," he continues, despite my protest. It's as though I am a puzzle he needs to complete. "The night Brennan had his accident, you were wearing white, just like the flash you said you saw-,"

I cut him off before he can finish, "n-no. P-please."

He reaches a hand out as if to touch me, but stops himself before he can, his palm hovering over my shoulder. I can see the hesitation in his eyes, the reluctance that's hidden within those depths. I know what he's going to say before the words leave his mouth.

"I'm sorry, Audrey. I have to call the police."

He stands up and walks away, but not before I notice the lone tear that makes it's way down his cheek. I did this to him. To all of them.

I look down at Saige's body, at the crimson that covers both of us. I've always wondered what it feels like to drown, but now I realise that I never had to.

I have been drowning all along.

I've been trying to fight my way to the surface, struggling to keep the darkness at bay. I've been desperate not to let it consume me, heading towards the light that my friends have tried to shine on me. But even they couldn't save me from this. No one can.

My entire body is begging for me to breathe, but when I try no air enters my lungs. Instead, I am flooded with the memories of what I have done. I'm tired of fighting this, tired of feeling like this.

So I succumb to the darkness and I let myself sink.

I lose myself.

In the darkest depths of my mind.