Something Phenomenal

Phenomenal: Seventeen

Day 43 out of hospital

I woke up feverish this morning. My whole body was uncomfortable, like it's on fire. Even my breathing came in short, raspy breaths. Mamala was the first one to noticed it when she came into my room to check on me. Then she had to call Mom downstairs who's on her way to work.

"I'm okay," I assured them. I sat up on the bed with a smile. "Late lang akong natulog kagabi."

But Mom didn't believe me. So instead of going to the hospital for her patients, she made several hurried calls and stayed the whole morning, checking me up.

"Mom, I'm really okay."

She stared down at the bruises covering my arms and hands. "I need to admit you into the hospital."

"What? No!" Muli akong umupo sa kama. "They're just occasional aches. I can tolerate them."

She sighed, was about to say something more, but chose words. "The test results from your last cycle wasn't good. Just because you are used to your condition doesn't mean it isn't fatal, Gabriel. Please don't be hardheaded."

"I just started living again."

I don't want to leave and come back months later. I want to watch Mamala cook breakfast and hear more of her stories of long ago. I want to tease Iñigo more of his girlfriend. I want to see Mom out of hospital and just a Mom. There's still a lot of things I wanna do outside and I don't want it stop.

"Gabriel, this is all for your sake."

And then I saw the tiredness in her eyes. Worn-out with bags under what used to be a bright, youthful eyes of decades ago. Far from the eyes of those I saw from the pictures at the basement. And I wonder do they have regrets choosing this path. I wonder if my Mom would choose to still be my Mom if given a second chance. Would she still choose to look after me?

"I'm sorry," that's all I could say to her.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I wish I could give them freedom from me.

Mom left the room to attend to some other more calls and I lay in bed, staring at the familiar ceiling. I traced the crown molding in the air with my fingers and let the rays of the lights between the cracks.

I wish I have someone to talk to at the moment. But Shane's busy with his internship and Iñigo's back to school after their short semester break and had tones of homework and activities. I wish I could go back to school too. I still have my books and my materials with me, which all became useless when I had to drop out of my classes when things went downhill.

I had a medicine induced sleep. It's when I chose to sleep until my medicines could take effect so I could function normally. But when I woke up, I feel worse and when I stood up, my feet wobbles and I fell down on the floor. It's like I'm back to day one of my diagnosis and losing balance.

"Gabby." Mamala rushed into my room, hearing the commotion. "What happened?"

"I was break-dancing," I joked with a weak smile, sitting back on my bed. "Where's Mom?"

"Nasa hospital siya at inaayos ang mga papeles mo. You'll be admitted tomorrow."

Mamala was packing things when Iñigo came home from school, confused on what's happening. My brother, always the one to adjust to things.

"Ia-admit ka ulit?" he said from the doorway of my room which was quite rare of him. Whenever he comes back from school, he always goes straight to the kitchen to haunt snack like a hungry lion.

"Yep," I said from my bed.

"Bakit?"

We rarely had serious sibling talks. We're more on the teasing and wresting match type of conversation. But I prefer it any day than conversations like this which I couldn't shield him from the pains of reality.

"Things are getting bad."

I could tell he's trying not to show his emotions, trying to be the big brother in us, trying to toughen up in situations like this. But he's just a kid.

"Magiging okay ka ba?"

"It's just for a while," I said. "So take care of yourself while I'm gone. Take care of your girlfriend too," ngiti ko.

He didn't leave the room until Mamala called from the kitchen for his snack. I watched him leave the doorway and I suddenly remember his costume during the Halloween.

All children grow up, except one, Peter Pan.

I hope Iñigo don't grow so fast while I'm gone. I still wanna be a big sister to him. Whenever I'm gone the world around me continues to revolve while I'm stuck wherever I am.

My brother grows, Mamala gets old, Mom aged too. I lost my friends I used to be with because there's no connection... no common ground for us anymore. They move on, study, have work, meet more people, live a wider world. And I would still be here, in my room, in the house, in the hospital.

It's like I'm here, but barely. I'm living but not at all. I'm happy at times, sad at times, dishearten at times, but there must be something more. I want to take risk, live on the edge, shout at the top of my lungs, run widely, scream and laugh and cry and... remember to live. I just want to live.

***