This Love: Spencer Reid

zero

spencer,

48 entire hours went by before i knew
that
you
had
died.

i spent two days

living

breathing

laughing

when you couldn't.

there are a lot of things that were not okay

that are not okay

so many lists i've made,

so many nights i've spent wishing i could put into words how not okay this all was.

so i'll start from the beginning.

your mother had found you, slumped against a wall bleeding.

for a few moments she was the only one on earth who had known what happened to you.  she carried the weight of your pain alone as everyone else continued to live.

you lied on a cold floor somewhere miles away with a bullet in your head.

one of your most valuable assets,
your mind.

but a small chunk of metal and the will of a monster had frozen it at twenty three.
you would be twenty three years old forever.

i layed in my bed.

i had canceled my plans of going out to dinner with garcia and jj in hopes of getting a call from you that night.

i wanted to hear your voice again.

i rested my head on my pillow.
i felt relaxed and giddy.

how could i had known you'd been dead for forty five minutes by then?

my phone sat on the side table with the volume on max so that when you called me i could jump up to answer it and blanket you with my words.

but you never did call.

i don't remember how long i waited beside my nightstand.

it could have been hours

could have been 20 minutes.

the silence in my small apartment room was so loud. i wished you were there to be my white noise.

i remember when i realized that i wasn't going to get a call back from you that night.

i wasn't going to get a call from you ever again.

i already wanted to wrap you in my arms and pull you under my comforters.

i wanted to tell you i missed you but i wasn't sure how.

before i even knew you were dead,

i could already feel the walls of my shitty safehouse starting to crack and crumble.

- fran