This Love: Spencer Reid

seven

i know who it is.

i know who it is and i'm going to kill him.

i decide that at 5 in the morning. i'd been thinking about it all night. i drive and end up in hotch's office 15 minutes later.

he seems surprised at my claims. that baffles me. i have proof. why isn't he listening? why isn't he hearing me? 

"do you have any evidence?"

"yes! it was mal jackson. it makes sense. it does- right?"

hotch looks at my tear filled eyes and takes a deep breath. it's like he's trying to steady himself. which is kind of stupid, considering i'm the one with the dead boyfriend.

"when was the last time you got some sleep, had some food?"

my jaw drops. the question is more relevant then i'd like to admit but it feels so offensive regardless.

"spencer is dead! and i know who killed him! hotch, please."

something changes because hotch stands up. maybe he's thinking of haley. maybe the begging behind my eyes reminds him that he was once like me, only he didn't have anyone to hold him back.

 "okay. wheels up in 10. i'll get emily, morgan and rossi."

he pauses in his sentence and panic fills me, i pray he won't change his plans.

"agent clarkson?"

i suck in my breath.

"please take care of yourself."

i take that as a yes and run through the doors and to the jet.

one i'm on the jet a sense of calm rushes through me, because now it's actually happening.

if you're falling in a forest completely alone do you ever really make a sound? i revaluate my morals as our jet lands but i can't argue with the voice in my head that's so much louder then any order hotch or emily could give me.

i'm going to kill mal jackson. and i'm going to go to bed happy afterwards. once that thought is secured in my head i know there's no way it's going to go away.

i have to do it.

for you.

and it needs to be me, i don't know why. it's probably selfish but i don't really care.

it's what you would do if you were me. that's what i tell myself, at least. and i think it's true. i really hope it is. i need this to be worth it. i need to know that once mal jackson is dead and i've killed him, i will get a part of you back.