arcane magic

xii. lost

oct. 19th, 2021

lately, i've been feeling as lost as space junk. hurtling towards an uncertain future. a future that i'm not sure i want.

everyone around me is so sure that this is the best possible life for me — that it would make me successful, happy even.

but is this really what i want?

do i just want to be a puppet that other people can live vicariously through?

in the end, all they care about is status.

they joke that by having a doctor in the family, they can get extra care. or that i'll give them all money or buy them gifts.

they think they know me.

but they're wrong.

they think they're helping me, but they only think about themselves. how to cash in on my potential, how they can win.

and i just feel so lost.

because

this

isn't

what

i

want.

but no one ever asked me.

no one ever considered that i could be a living human being with my own desires.

they don't see me for who i am.

so, why should i expect them to care?

yet that doesn't change the fact i'm lost.

and when you're lost, you start to listen to the voices that sound so sure of what the right path is and what you should do.

so, do i listen to them?

or do i risk it all just to find my own voice?

at this point, i don't even know anymore.

and that indecision is stalling me.

i do want a future but at the same time, what kind of future do i want for myself?

how do i explore that if i've never had the chance to ask myself these questions before? how do i find what i really want?

is it worth choosing for yourself when you have to go through the work of discovery? it's easier to be told who you are, but at the same time, it's limiting.

this future i've been given, it's not mine.

and no matter how hard i try to make myself fit into it, i don't think i can do it.

maybe all i am is lost as space junk.

and maybe i will be found someday.