arcane magic

xiii. death

nov. 28th, 2021

these feelings hit me in waves but when they do, i think about death a lot.

more than i should.

more than any person should.

i think about what my last moments might look like, how people would react, if they even knew it happened at all.

because that's the scary thing about building a life for yourself online.

if you— when you die, most of the people you interact with regularly won't know it happened. they won't know you're dead.

they'll think you're busy, and they'll worry, hoping you'll show up eventually.

but then you never do.

another mystery lost to the world.

sure, you could have a plan in motion. tell a trusted person your log-in info and let them inform all of your close friends.

except that plan doesn't work for everyone. certainly not for me.

the thing is, no one in my real world knows that i'm non-binary and aroace.

they don't know the real me.

so, if i die, there's no one in my real world to tell the people online that i'm gone.

because, to be closeted in real life, you have to keep the two worlds separate.

which is to say, at this very moment, you could be reading the writings of a dead person and you wouldn't even know.

i think about death a lot.

and i know i shouldn't do that. i know i shouldn't think about how easy it is to unalive myself, how easy it is to die.

but reality is tiring and when you feel you have nothing to live for, your mind wanders to a place you never planned.

writing is a nice pasttime, but even that isn't enough for a mind bent on self-destruction. distractions only go so far.

i think about death a lot.

and i wish i didn't, but sometimes, you can't control what you think about.

sometimes, you have to let the thoughts pass you by while you try to hold on.

sometimes, you have to just let yourself exist as you are without judgement.

it's too easy to judge, labeling thoughts as good or bad, healthy or toxic, but at the end of the day, i can't control the fact that i suffer from mental illness.

i can't erase my depression or my trauma because that means erasing who i am.

so, i think about death, and that's okay.