arcane magic

xix. birthdays

may 11th, 2022

for as long as i can remember, the concept of birthdays — more specifically, my birthday — meant a time for sorrow, guilt, and regret. not only was it a reminder that i was older and nowhere near where i wanted to be at this age, it also meant that another year was gone.

another year where i could have changed my life but didn't. another year where i didn't do nearly enough of what i wanted to do. didn't write enough. didn't read enough. didn't live enough. just survived.

there are only so many hours in a day and i spent most of it self-isolating, trapped in depressive spirals, and stuck in self-sabotaging cycles that only made it harder to do the things i used to enjoy.

i thought about all the things i missed out on in my youth and early adulthood.

all the milestones i would never have. all the friends i would never meet. and all the experiences i would never have.

when i thought of all the exciting adventures that other people had, i'd look at my own life and wonder why it was so pale and depressing, why i had nothing to be excited about or to live for.

and at times, it felt like the life i lived was one unworthy of being lived. a life that people wouldn't notice if it vanished.

but this year feels different to before.

this year, i feel like i've grown enough in the past year to say that i didn't just throw an entire year of my life away.

at some points, i thought i lost nearly everything, but somehow, i still persisted. i still went on and through that, i started to believe in myself just a little bit more.

and that belief — however miniscule it was — was enough to encourage me to start investing in my personal growth.

i began to learn tricks to be gentle with myself and to take life slower, not faster, because life isn't a series of boxes to check off nor is there a script to follow.

life just is.

and i don't want to reach the end of my life and look back, realizing that i have nothing to show for the time i was alive.

i want to live my life while i still can, while my body still has some energy, and while the world is still fresh and new to me.

and every year, on my birthday, i want to be able to look back and be proud of the things i accomplished in the past year.

and i know that growth isn't linear but i feel like i'm finally breaking toxic cycles i've been stuck in for years and letting go of the pain i've held. the past me used to let small setbacks keep them from trying again and i want to change that thinking.

recognizing the small ways that i'm growing and progressing, even if i relapse, helps me keep up the momentum. the more i can see the progress and the more i reflect on it, the more it encourages me to keep going.

i hope that in a year's time, i'm able to prioritize myself even more and give myself the space i need to heal.

so, here's to another year of growth!