The Music In My Heart

Chapter 43

Carters pov

"Carter?" I was completely zoned out.

"Hm?" I popped my head up.

"Are you alright? I've been calling your name a few times actually," Simmons looked concerned.

"Struggling with this hobby thing- oh me and my dad are on good terms again," I sighed.

"What are the things you attempted so far? And how'd that go?" She took an interest.

"A lot of crying, a little bit of laughing. He's my dad," I softly smiled at the thought of him being my dad.

"It's okay, we don't need to get into detail about that. Just knowing you forgave him is a promising sign of growth," she assured me.

I don't know about that miss, there's also the part where me and him were trying to convince Eleanora into mentoring me privately in music without anyone's knowledge because we think it's best for me but now he may or may not have contacted my former private instructor to do the job.

"Carter?" Simmons made me snap out of it.

"S-sorry.. it's just really hard on taking your advice with setting music aside- I almost side like an addict. Is being workaholic a legit diagnosis?" I struck a question knowing it would throw her off guard.

"C'mon Carter, you can talk to me. What kind of hobbies did you attempt?" She took my reaction lightly but was clueless.

"None?" I tucked myself behind my shoulders.

"Carter," she sounded knowingly.

"It's hard okay?" I flew my arms before flopping back into her fluffy cushion chair or whatever it is. It's not a couch, or a love seat. But it's very comfy.

"Not to sound pushy but sometimes you just close your eyes and pick something. At least you'd walk away with a little experience knowing it's something you're not interested in," she remained optimistic.

"That's the hard part," I whined.

"Elaborate," she gestured me.

"Because I already know something that I'm in beyond interested in, I'm invested," I explained.

"Carter, you can't play in your condition," she reminded me.

"I'm very aware of me being written off as crippled in your books along in my mother's," I snapped but immediately gasped.

"No, go on," she remained- like hell, I want to apologize.

"I'm sorry," I tried to brush this off.

"No Carter, tell me how you really feel about not being able to do the one thing you love most," she gently pushed.

"I fucking hate it!" I yelled and paid no mind to Dr. Simmons flinching at me considering she's the one that asked for it.

"Do you know what it's like to wake up in the morning knowing there's isn't a damn thing to look forward to? To have to wipe your ass first thing in the morning only to roll on it until late at night because you are unfulfilled with how your day was spent? Not only- you know why it was unfulfilled and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it!" I felt a burn in my chest.

"You feel so unfulfilled with yourself that you tell yourself none of this is your fault just so you can feel worthy of being properly tended to when you eat. Because when you eat, you don't feel as though you deserve to eat because you are not doing something that you know deep down inside that, that the very thing- the very thing you're looking forward to into doing is the thing that's keeping you afloat by a single thread?" I glared at her.