Love & Gamble

Tremor

It's almost surreal. I'm confused and conflicted. Wondering how I've gotten to this situation and how on Earth I'm so affected by this.

Why should I care? That man has always put others before and above me. I've never been the object of affection and although that did hurt in the beginning, it's something I thought I had made my amends with.

My mother was and still is my sole parent. She was the one who raised me, protected me, and cared for me. I'm not sure what would have happened if not for her.

But then why am I so hung up over it?

That man's loud and domineering voice resounds in my head as if it's stuck on a loop. Reverberating in my head and not letting go of me. I can't think of anything other than what was shouted at me before Luca pulled me out of there.

A rough almost scratching against my arm jerks me awake from my thinking. Startled, I look up, only now being aware of my surroundings. Turning to the persecutor, I see two beady black eyes staring up at me as Lola places the rough pad of her paw onto me.

Taking in a shaky breath, I place my hand and pet her between her ear, knowing she likes to be scratched at the base of her floppy ear.

I try to calm my breathing, taking in deep breaths in and then exhaling till all the air is out of my lungs. I soon regain some sort of recognition with my heart coming down to a comfortable pace rather than its fast thrumming.

The slamming of a door to my right has me lift my head and I know who it is by the way Lola runs away from me and to our new greeter. Raising my hand, I run it down my face, still unsure of how this all came to be.

Terse silence goes by and we're driving off somewhere. My mind is a scattered mess and I can't focus on anything. The road whizzes by and I can't fathom the slightest thought.

"You okay?" That one question has me halting in place. I know it's silly but I prepared myself. The most anyone could have gotten out of me when I was lost in my own thoughts would have been a faint nodding of the head. However, my body betrays me, however, and those two little words make everything rush forward again.

Tears spring to my eyes and a sob rips past my lips. I clamp my hand over my mouth, absolutely shocked at the way my emotions so easily leaked through.

I never cry in front of anyone. It's much different than simply not crying because it's always cathartic to just let your emotions flow. But never has it happened in front of another person.

The mere thought has me sobbing even more. The guilt of subjecting all my emotions to someone else is so immense that it continues to build and build.

"I'm so sorry. I just need a minute," I say with a shaky voice, hating the way you can clearly hear it cracking. I don't hear anything else from Luca and somehow I manage to calm myself down.

For the umpteenth time again, it's as if my head is going underwater and I struggle. Air gets caught in my lungs but refuses to get out. Nausea swirls its way up my throat and I try my hardest to calm myself down. My hands start to turn slick with sweat and I feel myself plummeting. Sheer panic begins to encompass me and my knees begin to tremble ever so slightly.

I can't speak and it's as if trapped in that moment where I was made to leave. My father's face leered down at me and kicked me out of a place I didn't even want to be in. Why am I so strung up over this?

My question leaves me nowhere and just makes the whole situation worse for me as my breathing feels more and more shallow.

What's happening?

"Rosa," Luca's familiar voice comes through to me almost as if he's far away rather than in the same room as me. "You're having a panic attack. Just breathe okay? Deep breaths."