I've been at home for a couple of days now.
I was sitting in my room staring at my ceiling. I felt sick but I felt good at the same time. How am I going to tell people. We were packing to go home from Hawaii and I got an email on my laptop. I haven't checked my email that whole trip but I had emails from all the jobs that I applied for.
I got declined from North Carolina and New York. I got the job in London but California sort of waitlisted me they said I haven't got the job but I could, but the bad thing is that they wouldn't get back to me for about one or two years.
So am I going to take the job or not because it's going to be long distance and none of my friends and family will be there. And I haven't been that far away from my mom. I've been on holidays far away but that's only a couple of weeks and College is only about an hour away. And I'm moving 3,757 miles away from my parents.
I haven't told anyone about it but I think they saw I looked upset sort of nervous. My mom and dad saw it and so did my friends and I didn't go to the summer house because I knew Trevor would notice.
I might be nervous but I haven't even took the job or even messaged back or even told anyone.
"Hey hunny" my mom knocked on my door.
"Yeah?" I looked at her.
"Would you like some noodles?" She questioned "I bought some today".
"Oh yeah please" I say
"Okay I'll go make some, would you like to watch a movie later?" She smiles.
"Sure" i smile.
I love making my mom happy it's literally the best. Seeing her happy makes me happy and obviously if I go to London I won't be able to see her.
*** TW
Still staring at my ceiling overthinking everything.
'Trevor doesn't love you'.
'Maya is way more prettier'.
'Trevor is going to leave you for Maya'.
'Your a mistake'.
'None of your family likes you'.
'Nick used you for your body'.
'Nicks going to try rape you again'.
'You deserve no one'.
'Kill your self no one's going to care'.
'Ruining your life for a job'.
'Whore'.
'Slut'.
'Fat'.
'Big forehead'.
'Big thighs
I start to uncontrollably sob. I bring my hand to cover my mouth so no one can hear me.
'Do it' my brain goes on and on again.
I can't I'm clean and people will be disappointed in me I can't.
'Do it no one cares about you'.
'No one likes you'.
Fuck it.
I pull my drawer open and rummage for a box. I find the red box. I open it seeing the blade sitting there with plasters and cleaning stuff. I grab the blade and sit in my bed staring at my tights. Their fucking huge I'm so disgusted in myself. I pull my sweat pants down and I swipe the blade across my thigh seeing blood form quickly. Didn't feel a thing.
'Deeper'.
'Go deeper'.
I hold the blade on the cut wiggling it about so it goes deeper.
