Charly's Language

The Healing

As I said to Charly, I am taking my time. At first, I was going to show her I was respectful of her wishes but now that a few months have passed, this is growing in me. I found her, and I know it is all okay, I am unwinding from...everything really. I don't feel I am with my old girlfriend but rather I feel I recovered my best friend and with no sex on the table, I have found a new way to touch her, a more caring way without expectations on where it may lead.

I spend a couple of nights a week at hers while I slowly pack my life up. Every time I come to see them in the forest it's a little bit harder to leave but it is worth it for the welcome I receive. It's like arriving in paradise. She is usually either writing in the garden with a jug of iced tea in front of her or in the huge veggie garden weeding and planting. I do not think the Charly I used to know would have enjoyed the thing that the current Charly enjoys. This has been a process of self-discovery and change bringing her closer to a more basic yet more complex way of living, slowly shading needs and becoming content with just being at peace. I never thought I would enjoy these things either. A simple life somehow always seemed boring and laboring, seemed like something uninteresting and mundane and yet the more I am there, the more I like it. To see nature all around, appreciating the process and enjoying just how much the earth can do, is connecting me with a more primal yet elevated realm of awareness. Life is all around, blooming all the time as I think about all those hours spent at my desk indoors. I guess it is the contrast I needed to appreciate it and want it even though I didn't know I did, I have never been exposed to anything like this. No traffic, no noises, no rushing, nothing I could complain about. Just this feeling of being able to breathe consciously and effortlessly.

Charly still has the same incredible energy she always had. She remains a kid like she was, but now with her "mini-me" playing with her, she is not childish as she used to be, she is just child-like. She really is a bird, seeing the world through innocent eyes, dazed by the simplest things that used to escape her perception when she was too consumed unpacking the trauma weighing her down. Sam and she get up dancing in the rain every time a drop falls from the sky. They yell "Disco Cloud'' and they pull me to dance with them. I have to say, it's a lot of fun. They play hide and seek in the forest and Charly sometimes hides all the way up in the trees. Like a kitten, she always lands on her feet, she doesn't need me to catch her anymore. They have a chest full of black dresses, some are fancy and old. They like to do fashion shows around the house, sometimes she teaches Sam plays from her books and they dramatize like two professional actresses. They crack me up whenever I come after a few days, and they put on a performance for me.

When she told me it was scary for her to be "normal", and to give it all up, I pictured someone weak and even depressed perhaps. But she is so free and loving, she is a hummingbird moving fast and smelling each flower on her way. I want to say she changed a lot, but she has not really. She just took layers off, discovering her true essence. I always knew her nature, her warmth even though everyone thought she was cold and conceited. I knew the incredible ways she viewed life, that it was pain that was making her weak. And now that Sam is whole, now that she has us both, Charly can finally be who she was meant to be. The wonderful crazy soul that took my world by storm, no one ever made me feel as loved as she did, no one helped me let my guard down as she did. The way she loves herself and the way she takes care of herself is inspiring me.

It has been three months since I saw them at the park. After all these years I spent seeking women to forget her or to remember her, maybe, I don't know, I am not seeking anything anymore. I see how sex became one of those addictions that begins to lose all effect, but the dependency stays. I'm detoxing. Charly talks about energy a lot and how it is there even if we don't see it or feel it. That all the people we have been with have left some in us. It's just roaming our bodies waiting to be set free, to be healed and cleared out. She says I have quite some clearing to do. She is not wrong. The time I am taking is for that, for that and to connect with her on a much higher level this time. I don't know when we'll be together physically if we ever are going to be at all. I honestly have no need right now. After using sex as, a weapon against myself, I am enjoying this feeling of not being a total slave to my urges and rising above to create something new.