Love Notes

Chapter 35

I wake up in a panic from another dream. It takes me a little while to pull in my surroundings, everything looks exactly like it did in my sleep. But I'm fine, it's not really happening.

My source of torment was the same dream of Will that I've been having the past few weeks...only it was different now.
I thought the old one was hard enough, but this? This was a like a something taken from the depths of my worst fears.

Even my dreams have been infiltrated by the enemy now. He's managed to inject his poison all the way through me, reaching me in the only places I had to escape to.

Will was lying beside me like he always did when the dream came, his smile pouring warmth throughout me. Then the door burst open, Jamie had found me, just like he said he would. His face twisted with rage as he got his hands around my throat again, and somehow Will couldn't reach me. He couldn't save me.

He can't save me.

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I'm late getting into the car to go and meet Sarah. Between Jamie hovering over my shoulder all morning before he went out, asking if would be better to cancel and the fact I had to empty half of my concealer onto my neck and then dig out the only turtle neck I own, Im finding myself a little held up.
We're meeting at a playground near her house, so I don't think it will be a big deal, regardless, I put my foot down to make up time. That and to get as far away from the apartment as possible.

When I woke up this morning I could smell bacon. Jamie was up already cooking us breakfast in the kitchen. He was meant to be going to some car show for the day, so he got up early. I guess almost killing your girlfriend was no reason to cancel plans.
I could hear him singing along to the radio like he didn't have a care in the world. While I lay there wondering if this is really what the rest of my life looks like.

I lay awake for hours afterward last night, combing over every detail of the evening. I've asked myself a million different questions. How could I get myself into a position like this, why did it take so long to see who he is. What was I going to do in future, just sit back and take it? Or fight back. I think the result would be the same either way.

Will was right last night, Jamie is always going to find other excuses to hit me. Other dinners I don't make quite right, other parties I don't perform correctly at, other men who mean nothing to me. I won't ever get it right.

I feel worn out, my body aches in ways I didn't know about while my head feels as heavy as a bowling ball. I have this internal sense of panic that I'll have to totally mask when I see Sarah and the girls. I can't get them involved in all of this. His message was clear last night, and I don't want anyone else getting hurt.

Giving myself a once over in the visor mirror, I run my fingers over the tiny welts coming through the concealer that decorate my throat like a necklace. It's not so bad. Nothing compared to the hallow feeling everywhere else. I pull my sweater up and take a deep breath, pasting a smile on and switching on an Izzy that's happy.

I see Sarah as I approach the playground, pushing Emily on one of the swings. I start to feel a little anxious, I know she's been calling a lot and I've been avoiding everything with her. I know it's because I've been worried about what might happen with Sarah and I if this is really it for me and dad.

I think deep down I feel like I already know what happens. Sarah will take his side and then I'll be entirely on my own. I guess I'm kind of on my own already in a way.

"Izzy!" Anna spots me before anyone else, I scoop her up as she runs over, squeezing her a little too hard and holding her a little too long, but she doesn't mind.