Hunger

Austin: Beauty and Nightmares

I force myself to stay in the moment, to focus on Rory's face as she runs her fingers down my chest and to the button on my jeans. Rory, Rory, Rory, Rory. I remind myself of who she is until her name sounds like a chant in my ears. I keep my eyes wide open and watch her face, forcing my mind to stay present so it doesn't slip into some dark memory.

She starts kissing me on my neck but makes her way down my chest and stomach. I feel my jeans fall around my feet. She's on her knees and pulling off my boxers and oh my god.

"You don't have to do that!" I say hurriedly.

She laughs softly and lifts her eyes to look at me. "And what if I want to?"

"Well, in that case, I mean, if you want to, if you really do-" I gasp. "Holy fuck!" I tangle my fingers in her damp hair and try so hard to keep it together because if I come now it's over, and I am not ready for it to be over. Not even close.

It feels so good I don't even know where I am. My eyes are rolling in my head and all I can do is groan. Rory stops right before I lose it, leaving me desperate for her, and I kiss her wildly. I want her to devour me.

And then we're both naked, tangled together under the covers as the ice taps on the window outside. Her skin is as pale as snow, almost too beautiful to consider touching, like an ice sculpture or a fancy chocolate you can't bring yourself to consume. She guides my hands to the places that make her moan.

We make the foreplay last just to torment each other, just for the fun of it. Then when we both can't stand it anymore I push her onto her back. A thought hits me and I stop myself.

"Wait, don't we need a-"

Rory shakes her head. "I'm on the pill. It regulates my periods for dance. I've been on it for years."

"You sure it works?" I ask nervously.

"Austin... don't worry."

She reaches her hand down to guide me inside of her, and I instantly forget what I was talking about. There's a hot rush of pleasure that almost hurts in its intensity. My eyelids flutter as I gasp.

"Are you okay?" she asks.

"Yeah," I say breathlessly, "You just feel fucking amazing."

I begin to move against her body, and within seconds I'm about to lose it again.

"Slow down," Rory murmurs against my mouth. "Or it'll be over too soon."

"Sorry, I'm not good at this yet," I say, and she smiles, gently brushing my hair out of my eyes.

"You're doing just fine. I just want to enjoy you for as long as possible."

I try to think about boring things like grass or school to take my mind off her body, because if I think about that, it's over. Her body is the most amazing thing I've ever experienced. All my life, sex has been a weapon. I never imagined it could be like this... and I realize with a rush of hope that Ray hasn't taken this away. I can be normal. I can have sex with the girl I love, and it has nothing to do with what happened to me. What happened to me was ugly, and this... this is beautiful.

The feeling of her hands on my back and her lips gently sucking on my neck is too much. No amount of thinking about grass is going to make me last much longer.

"Rory, I'm about to-"

"I know, it's okay. Just let go. I want to feel you finish inside me," she says, her breath hot against my ear.

And I do, shuddering against her as she pulls me in further. I collapse on top of her, my head resting in the crook of her neck, my fingers tangled in her hair like fish trapped in a net. She draws pictures on my back as I fade into some spectacular dreamy place between sleep and awake.