Hunger

Austin: Closure

"Baby, wait! It doesn't look right!" Rory calls after me.

She catches up and starts straightening my tie. I learned how to knot it from a YouTube video this morning, and I'm not sure I did it right. I watch her face wrinkle with concentration as she perfects my knot.

"Your little nose twitches when you focus," I say, giving it a poke. "It's sorta cute."

Rory brushes my hand away. "Quit it! You gotta look perfect."

"She's not gonna look at my clothes," I grumble.

"She will look at everything," Rory says seriously.

"Thanks. That really helps ease my stress level."

"I'm not trying to stress you out," she says.

I know she's not, but I can tell she's nervous. It feels surreal that this day is finally here. One year ago I was just leaving Oklahoma in my raggedy van with Pixie sleeping on a pile of clothes in the back. Now, I am heading into the courthouse to find out if the future I have worked so hard for can actually become a reality.

"Rory, no matter what happens, it's not over," I say.

I'm reminding her of her own words. Last night she told me, "Even if it all goes south tomorrow, we can keep trying."

"I know. You've just worked so hard for this," she says softly.

"We both have," I say.

I take Rory's hand and we start walking up the stairs to the courthouse. Being here reminds me of Ray's trial, but it's a fleeting surge of dark emotion that disappears and leaves no trace.

I'm on meds now to control my PTSD, and it's helping more than I thought possible. When all you've felt is fear your whole life, you don't realize that living without it is normal. You have no idea what it even feels like to live without it. To me, it's the velvet softness of summer nights with Rory, the way her fingers push my hair back, a full night's sleep and waking up in her arms, no baseball bat beside the bed, no sweat drenched night terrors, the smell of food in the morning and the sound of the shower running. A thousand little wonders that everyone takes for granted.

I imagine this is what it feels like when you wake up from a coma.

My first therapy session took place in a sun-drenched corner office with plants all over the place. Dr. Thomas. She's seeing Seth and Pixie too, so she's familiar with my story. Still, it took me a couple sessions to actually talk.

"After what you've been through, adjusting to a normal life might take some time," she told me.

She was right. I still find myself hoarding cash and food, the same food I bought with the same cash I'm hoarding.

"It's okay to have your stash, but I want you to take one piece out each day," Dr. Thomas told me.

I'm trying. Today I removed two things: five bucks and a bag of crackers. I already ate the crackers and we used the five bucks for drinks on the way here.

At least I haven't punched Rory or choked her when I wake up from a nightmare now. We made a new rule: she is no longer allowed to touch me during the nightmares, only afterwards. She can yell until I come out of it but no touchy. So far it seems to be working, but I've only had two nightmares since that night we fought.

Dr. Thomas has helped me narrow down some of my triggers for the nightmares. Sex, unfortunately. Violent shows on TV. Stress. I'm sure as hell not quitting sex, but I'm trying to stay calm and watch shows that are more chill.

"Hey, Austin?" Rory says.

We're inside now waiting in line to be screened.

"Yeah?"

"So Blanca told me something, and I think it'll make you feel better about everything. I was gonna tell you later, but I can't keep it in anymore."

I laugh. "You suck at secrets. Okay, what is it?"

"Ray is dead."

The words take all the breath out of my lungs. "What?"

"They put him in general population. What did you expect? I'm surprised he lasted as long as he did," Rory says.

"What happened?"

We take a step toward the metal detector.

"He got stabbed in the neck by a pencil."

I don't exactly know what to say. I'm relieved Ray is dead, but his death was far too quick. A part of me wishes he had suffered longer in prison.

"Uh oh. You don't look happy. I shouldn't have told you yet," Rory says, looking guilty.

"No! I- I am... I just wanted him to suffer a little more," I admit sheepishly.

Rory laughs. "Same."

"It's good to have some closure though," I say.

With Ray dead the only thing from my past that I still don't have closure for is my mom. They still haven't found her body. I wonder if they ever will.

———————

Wanna-be Judge Judy looks down at me from her desk in the small courtroom. "Austin, I must say I am quite impressed with the progress you've made. It tells me how much you want this, that you take this decision seriously."

"I take it very seriously, Your Honor," I say, hoping I sound grown up and like I have a fucking clue.

My heart is pounding. I've just presented her with my high school diploma, my latest pay stub, and our lease for the apartment, the proof that I have what it takes to make a home for Pixie. She looks them over along with the petition paperwork I submitted online.

Pixie, Rory, Blanca, Seth, Nancy, Riley and my caseworker, Tia Everidge, sit behind me in the court room. My own little army. As the judge looks over my paperwork, I glance back at them and give them a wave.

Wanna-be Judge Judy shuffles the papers and smiles at me. "Well then, I'm happy to say this. I hereby grant you legal guardianship over Emmie Dolan. Congratulations and good luck to your new family."

Rory and Pixie cheer, and I just stand there... stunned. It's over. I'm Pixie's legal guardian. I'm not even sure I thank the judge; the moment is too overwhelming and surreal.

"Austin! AUSTIN! I can come live in your house!" Pixie is shouting as she pushes her way through a group of people in front of her. Her little voice is the only thing I hear.

As soon as she reaches me she throws her arms around me and whoops when I scoop her up and toss her a foot or so into the air.

"Again! Again!" she yells when I catch her.

I toss her a few more times before I'm too winded to continue. Now I just hold her close as tears stream down my cheeks. Then I pull Rory into the embrace too so Pixie is squished between us. Rory is crying. Everyone else who came to support me today circles us in an even bigger hug. My family. Our family. I never thought I would be able to say that.