Hunger

Austin: Cats and Mice

"What are you doing here?" I ask Nancy and Riley as they enter my hospital room.

They look older but otherwise the same. The only big difference is that Riley's hair is now bright green instead of black. Nancy still has long blond hair, and she still wears clothes with flowers on them. This time it's patched jeans and a t-shirt instead of the usual skirts and dresses. They're both grinning at me.

"Austin, we heard about it on the news!" Nancy says, grabbing my hand and sitting down in one of the chairs next to the bed. Riley sits in the other.

I am so confused. "What news?" I ask.

"It's been all over the news! Haven't you heard anyth-" Nancy stops talking when Riley nudges her. They share a look I can't figure out. And then Nancy abruptly changes the subject.

"I'm so glad to see you again, Austin. We never stopped thinking about you. It was impossible to get information from social services about where you were, so we always hoped you would call us."

There's a note of hurt in Nancy's voice, and I suddenly feel guilty.

"I'm sorry I didn't call. It's hard to explain," I mumble.

"We get it," Riley says.

"You do?" I ask skeptically.

"It goes back to that conversation we had about cats and mice doesn't it?" she asks with a smirk.

I chuckle. "Maybe."

"Cats and mice? What conversation was this?" Nancy asks.

Riley shakes her head. "Long story. Austin and I understand each other. That's all."

Nancy is looking at Riley with a questioning expression. Riley doesn't explain though. Instead she tucks a piece of Nancy's blond hair behind her ear. Rory does that to me sometimes.

"I'm just glad we got to see you. I'm glad you're alive!" Riley exclaims.

"Oh, you mean the bullets," I say.

"No, I mean your life, Austin," she says softly.

With that comment I realize that they know everything about me now, and the old familiar shadow of shame begins to swallow me. I can't look at them, so I look at the wall.

"Austin, I wish things could have been different for you. I wish we could have helped you. If we had known-"

"You guys have no idea how much you helped me," I mumble. "You were the first people, ever, who showed me love. You made me feel like a person, not a thing."

"Then why didn't you stay with us?" Nancy asks softly.

I decide to tell them the truth. I don't want them to ask themselves this question forever. It's not fair. I sigh deeply and look away from the wall and up at the ceiling.

"I was afraid I would lose you. I was afraid... of love. It's hard to explain. It really is. I was so used to being mistreated. It was more comfortable."

"Your heart felt safer when it was broken," Riley says.

I look at her, amazed. "Yes! Exactly! I couldn't think of the right words, but that's exactly it."

She shrugs. "I've been there too."

"Cats and mice," I say.

"Cats and mice." Riley smiles.

We talk for another hour, and they give me their number and address so we can stay in touch. The visit heals something inside me, and I feel lighter, at peace, when they leave. It's nice to know they still care about me and want me in their life. Instead of being scary, it's comforting.