The A Side ✔

2- The Need To Escape

I was a letdown.

After the results of the online quiz, my heart felt crushed under a ton of bricks. But at the same time, I realized that there were answers out there. You just need to take the plunge and you will find them, no matter how long and hard it takes. I never told my parents about sitting the quiz but I did tell them about the thoughts I was having and the conclusion was that it was all hormonal.

Within the first few weeks, I did dismiss it as being all hormonal but because the panicking wouldn't stop, my next aim was to establish exactly what was the root cause for all of this mess. The thing I looked at first that could be the root cause was the bullying.    

Bullying disgusts me, I've witnessed first hand some friends close to me getting bullied or even bullying someone else. At school, the last two years of me being a student were so so hard. Around the time that my very first panic attack occurred was also when some minor bullying was happening in and around school time. People in my year and sometimes younger students would find it funny to make a remark about my appearance or start being nasty because I read books. Books were my haven during secondary school and used the school library often to try and get away from the big crowds in my year group and also the bullies who the huge majority of them never used the library.

Back in Year 8, I was out of sports for a whole academic year after experiencing ankle problems. I couldn't walk properly and had to go into hospital on numerous occasions. During that year, I was allowed to go up to the school library when my class had sports to read books. The librarians there  totally sympathised with my situation. Of course, it didn't stop the rumours spreading that my injury was a fake and I was using my ankle as a way of seeking attention. I even stood up to one of the bullies and threatened to bring my mum into school with a huge pile of medical records in her hand to prove that I was a patient in hospital! But much to my relief, it didn't come to that.

During my Anxiety spells in Years 10 and 11, I found myself to experience them a lot. Some teachers at my secondary school were quite strict while others were much more calmer. Whenever I felt anxious, I had to run and hide until it was all over. Being in class and feeling a nasty feeling in your stomach was never pleasant. I did start to miss lessons but the Anxiety by the middle of Year 10 had kicked in so badly that I was spending most of my time in the girls loos crying or hiding under some beanbags in the school's chapel. I would take my iPod and some headphones, sometimes a notebook and pen set and once, my Kindle e-reader as a way of trying to take my mind off of the Anxiety.

In Year 11, becoming a prefect did come with responsibilities but the good thing was that being a prefect helping to run the school's chapel and running creative workshops enabled me to work on my writing and some drawing/painting. But, to be honest, I was never an artist in anyway. I was the writer. I remember reading some stories that I wrote during the times when my Anxiety had really kicked in and had to leave class because of it out to my Chapel friends and they loved hearing me talk. A huge difference from my shy personality.

I read a lot of books during my school years away from the classroom. David Almond, Jacqueline Wilson and many more authors were featured on my desk in my bedroom as mum would come in to help make my bed and take away the dirty laundry and she would often see the piles of books from the school library on my desk.

I had the beanbags, the safety of Chapel and my books. But that wasn't stopping the bullies from rocking me to the core. There must be something else that could potentially make me feel just that little bit more confident. 

What could it be?

Well, there was video games. From a young age, I used to play all sorts. Mario and Sonic, Need for Speed, Star Wars. My cousins got me into the world of gaming. My favourite type of games are the ones where you have to either create a virtual business and try to make profits or games that are set in cities/various time periods and you have to create a settlement without breaking the bank. During my times of bullying hardship, I played Tycoon City New York a lot. New York is a city that I would love to visit one day, once my Anxiety isn't so rough and I can work up the nerve to get on a plane then I will be there walking through Central Park having no cares.

But this PC game was the next best thing to achieving a dream of mine. I just didn't have to leave my house to play the game. Set up on the family laptop, the aim of the game is to create your own version of New York City and bring in the tourists plus profit. I still play the game sometimes whenever I need to take my mind elsewhere. There are two modes: Sandbox where you can get access to all of the districts within the game plus all of the city landmarks. Set your own budget and start building right away or Normal which you have to achieve set objectives. Starting in Greenwich Village for example, you have to build a certain number of shops and achieve a certain amount of profit. By achieving objectives in that district, you unlock another one for building in. It's a lot of fun and not too stressful either. For a casual gamer who loves the Big Apple, this is perfect.

Another PC game that I loved was The Movies. This involved the joys and pitfalls of the big screen. You create your own film studios in Hollywood. You build the sets and actually get to make your own movies. There's this ranking system that ranks all of the movies that you make plus ones from rival studios and also for actor popularity and studio lot profits. Again, there's a sandbox mode and a normal mode. Normal is so much fun, you can travel back to the 1920s and the costumes the actors and actresses wear are so realistic. Even my cousin was surprised! 

Are video games the definite answer? Not quite. There's something else. All will be revealed in the next part.