The A Side ✔

7- Dangerous Love Crushes

Falling in love, it can be a beautiful feeling right? When I fell in love with someone for the first time, it felt joyful and excited that possibly my crush could notice me and something may develop. But it took me a long time to find love, the one I hoped to call my Prince Charming, Mr Right. My mum told me this saying that I will share with you now, "You kiss many frogs until you find your Prince." And she's right. Because I did kiss some frogs to find guys that I thought were princes but in the end, turned out to be utter douchebags.

Let's set the scene: You switch on your mobile phone, about to log into your Facebook when all of a sudden, a text message pops up with the word, "Hey." Two options, you reply and be nice or ignore it and be rude. A few guys that I've dated in the past started corresponding with me online. Don't get me wrong, I had known them through face to face convos in and around classes. Met them through mutual friends or just so happen to tap shoulders with them on the way home and they suggest hanging out for a while. Believe me, guys tried literally every trick in the book just to get my attention. And for some of them, I was having none of it.

You know the books of bad boy, good girl right? It's huge on Wattpad, I even got in on the act a few years ago and wrote a novella of my own just like that. My first ever completed story but reflecting back on my fifteen year old geeky self, uh, it's trash, pure utter trash but you see? I was inspired to write something like that because of my own personal experiences. Guys that catch my eye have to be honest, smart, have a gorgeous smile and be able to accept the fact that I struggle with Anxiety. With these bad boys that try to woo me, it's not that easy to slam the door on them when you are looking for a romance, a long lasting one but just not with a guy with a bad influence. 

My first crush was on a guy who had the looks, the charm, the smile but after over a year of developing feelings for him, he and a group of mates started bullying me. I was left torn and fractured and swore to my friend that I was never going to date a bully. It was heartbreaking for a young teen who woke up every morning and went to bed every night thinking about the guy that deep down inside made her feel so happy. 

In the summer of 2013, just after I finished writing Fizzy Like Cola, I started to develop feelings for my best friend. But after a long time of questioning my feelings, I decided to tell him but sadly faced rejection. Rejection sucks you know? He had just about everything I was looking for in a guy but chose instead to focus on his sailing and to be honest, i don't blame him. He's fantastic out on the water but imagine the hurt I experienced after that.

All of the relationships I've been in have been rough, guys not accepting me as a person, my love of books, my Anxiety struggles. As I write this, I'm single and alone. Seeing photos of friends with their other halves is tricky but I'm always happy for them because they've found the one. Whenever I date a guy, my Anxiety is actually able to stay mild. I have less panic attacks but I'm very open to trying something new with someone.  

I think after all of these relationships, I'm not really sure how or when the guy Mr Right will come along for me. I would like to stay and think positive but at this moment in time, I'm focusing on my education and trying not to fail my exams. But from the title of this chapter, dangerous love crushes, it means I've crushed on supposed good guys but after a while, things change. 

I've had some of my exs hate on my writing and that's never pleasant to take. My absences from Wattpad weren't planned, my return to writing here wasn't going to be so late but with Anxiety, you do take things to heart. And when a loved one starts trying to make your writing look dumb and pathetic. Hateful, hurtful, horrible.