The A Side ✔

15- Current Fears

Let's journey back into my thoughts and current mindset to see what fears are lurking around. There are quite a few to juggle so be careful not to drop any of them down onto the floor.

First, I'm scared about applying and trying to get onto a HE course at my old college. This course is designed for adults who have always dreamt about going to University but for whatever reason, money, time, people, that dream up until this post hasn't come true. It would involve one year of trying to settle back down into a study routine, revising multiple subjects, taking exams and actually applying onto a University. This would be a huge step for me, at age 16, this course was first introduced to me after I saw the potential to study Creative Writing at a Uni quite close to my house. The only issue was the lack of qualifications. I had GCSEs but they weren't enough, I needed either A-Levels or a BTEC. Stepping away from A-Level opportunities to go to a BTEC that I would end up dropping out six months after starting was not only a waste of time but also ended myself up in a hard position of being made to believe that being geeky was a bad thing. The bullying at the College was mainly to blame for the BTEC falling through, the atmosphere was far from comfortable.

Next fear is returning to Wattpad to post stories and update regularly again. Having quite a long break away from it did help in some cases but made me feel worse in others. Having to start all over again, creating new tales, finding a new audience. Being pressured to write about topics that I really didn't want to write about made writing feel like a chore. I think I worry more about keeping a fanbase rather than the stories I'm currently writing about. It does make my day whenever I get a new follower or a reading list add or a comment from a reader saying that they love reading my writing. But whenever I hear silence, I feel like I'm doing something wrong and just what I might be doing wrong, I really have no idea.

Another current fear is growing up into adulthood and having a ton of responsibilities dumped onto your shoulder. I recently got myself a part-time volunteering role away from my hometown in a shop where I had to learn new skills quickly otherwise my skills would suffer. This includes learning how to operate the till, sign for deliveries and talk to people without looking like an idiot.

The final fear I have currently in my mind is rejection. A few weeks ago, I was held up in my hometown waiting for a bus to get to my house and none were showing up. I must have waited a good forty minutes or so until one did arrive half full. But during the waiting, my eyes locked onto a guy about my age or probably slightly older waiting nervously for a bus to show up. A few times now, we've ended up staring at each other and my cheeks trying hard not to blush a strong red. Paranoid about messing up a relationship but sad for being lonely. Which side would win in this dilemma?

Having fears suck tremendously, its how you deal with them that counts.