Between the Perennial Blooms || Paul Lahote

Twenty Nine pt. 1 | Quil

"Bare your throat, love, they say
it kills you faster - what does
it mean when you keep
coming back to life? Neck
criss-crossed and raw
and pink and soft. Tell the
wolves to go home. I will be
cold. I will be
immortal. For you, I would be
anything.

For you."
—Venette O | RUN BABY RUN

• • •

Dear Bailey,

I'm sorry.

If those are the only words you see before you decide to stop reading this then I want it to be those two. Because I am. I'm so sorry. More sorry than I think anyone's ever been in their entire life.

I didn't mean to get so angry that day you came over. If I had known what would happen after I did... believe me when I say I would've stayed as far away from you as humanly possible. But I didn't know and that's the problem. Maybe if I had then you wouldn't have ended up in the hospital and I wouldn't be stuck out here running perimeter trails till I collapse. That's not important though. There's a lot of 'maybe's I could point out. And you clearly have it a lot worse than I do.

The whole thing is kind of a blur for me. I remember yelling at you about Sam and I remember the pain when my bones started to shift but after that it all gets fuzzy. Sometimes when I close my eyes I can see blood. I see it on my paws and pooled on the floor and splattered along the walls and the couch. Ma threw it away, in case you were wondering. The couch, I mean. She said she couldn't get all the stains out of the cushions.

I haven't seen Paul since it happened. Everyone's worried about what he'll do if I show my face anywhere near him. I see the others just about every day though. Jake came by once and beat the shit out of me. The bruises healed in a couple hours though and he gave me a hug afterward. I tried to ask him how you were doing because I know how close you two are but he wouldn't tell me anything. I think it was too hard for him to get the words out. Sam said you lost so much blood that they had to give you a blood transfusion. But from his and Jared's memories of finding you that I've seen through the pack-link, I can see why. There was a ton of blood, Bailey. But I guess you already know that.

All this time spent out in the woods has given me a lot of time to think and I realize now that there's nothing I can say that will ever make what I did any better. You're always gonna be scared of me and I'm always gonna look at my hands and see your blood on them and I'm never gonna be able to walk through my living room without remembering the horrible thing that took place. I don't know how Sam and Emily got over it. Maybe because they love each other — because they're Imprints. But we've only ever been good friends and I know that's not enough. Not for me anyway.

Certainly not for you.

But I want you to know that it's okay if you never forgive me because I know I sure as hell won't ever forgive myself. You're the sweetest, kindest, most beautiful soul I've ever met and I'm so sorry that I've ruined a part of that. I wish I could take it back. I wish I could jump through time and stop it from ever happening. I wish I could take your pain away so you never had to feel it. I wish I could see you. I wish I could tell you how sorry I truly am. Because I am. I'm so sorry. And I wish I would've never become the monster that I turn into day.

Maybe it would've saved us both.

Yours apologetically,
Quil