Skeleton Reviews

A Heart of Ice Shards| -RealLDNash

Client: @CannibalisticNecro
Book Title: A Heart of Ice Shards
Chapters read: 3 (Total posted)

Cover: I really liked the cover. The title of the book covers the top half, with the book's tagline at the very top, and the author's name at the very bottom. I especially liked the font the title is in and the icy blue color, it invokes a sensation of being cold. Honestly though, I believe the cover would work better without the anatomical floating heart, that gave me the creeps. I would suggest something a little more fantastical, something that gives a hint as to what the story really means. Maybe a dragon with snow accumulated on its snout and head?

Summary/Blurb: I think the blurb could be improved upon. It opened with referring to the main character as "a deformity," and that really didn't resonate with me. If 'deformity' is a term used to describe what manner of being the character is, then it is considered a proper noun and should be capitalized. I also think the introduction of three very foreign terms only serves to confuse the readers. The blurb should hook them and draw them into reading the book. You go on to explain what "Tinestra, Snilelle, and Whiloro" mean, but since this is only the blurb, I would suggest omitting these terms and just go with the English translated version of "human, dragon, and frost fae." I would also consider rewriting it so that it reads in a more active voice:

"A Deformity's life isn't warm, and it isn't caring. It's often seen as pure, a lot like snow. However, it blooms loneliness and insanity."

    The next paragraph begins with, "But this deformity creates his own..." I would suggest actually using the character's name here instead of referring to him as "deformity" again. The reader wants to feel a personal connection with the characters and by phrasing it like this you drive a wedge between the reader and the character. I would phrase it something like this:

"But Kezzear creates his own insanity. He berates himself (I would use either "berate" or "insult" but I wouldn't use them both as they essentially mean the same thing) in his three known languages: human, dragon and frost fae."

    The third paragraph of your summary is very confusing. I would suggest rewriting it so that it flows a little smoother. Try this and compare them:

"A dragonkin hybrid - born of a union between dragon and human - Kezzear was raised by the frost fae. His deformity makes him an anomaly. His physical features appear more humanlike, but his ice dragon heritage is still very visible (how is it visible? Maybe give a hint here?)"

The last paragraph offers no introduction to the mystery, suspense, or drama the story may contain. It doesn't really reveal anything about the story, other than this woman enters the cave and spends time with Kezzear. I would suggest you omit this entire paragraph and replace it with some pertinent details about the conclusion of the book. Does this woman rescue him? Do they fall in love? Do they make hot, steamy love? What adversity do they face? What do they sacrifice in order to overcome it?

Title: I'm a fan of simple titles. In my opinion, books with long, or complicated titles with excessive words make me think the actual prose is the same way. I prefer simpler titles, but that's my preference. I believe that it would be better with shaving it down to this Ice Shard Heart. But, I'll repeat, this is just a personal preference.

Description/scenery: From the first sentence until the last, the descriptions of everything are spot on. I saw the snow on her shoes, I heard the ice crunch beneath her feet, and I felt the cold on her skin.

Use of literary devices: There weren't any and they definitely would have served this story well. All throughout the first chapter, I kept asking: why is she going toward the mountain? Who is she looking for? Why does she need to find this person? The information about the sword made sense. She couldn't own it because she's a woman in a man's world. So I'll assume she needed this knight in order to find her brother? These are important questions that really need answering. If not, then this bit of information should be omitted from the story. She has a purpose with this sword and her snow-filled trek into the wild. What is it?

Sentence flow/pacing: The sentence flow and pacing were actually very good. I would suggest a tight editing as there are instances where you switch point-of-views without shifting the scenes from one to another. This makes the read difficult and oftentimes, confusing. Pick a POV and stick with it. Whether it be first person narrative, or third person story-telling. I would also suggest that one chapter be from Fallianna's POV and the next from Kezzear's. This gives the reader a chance to get into each character's head and allows you – the author – the opportunity to tell the story from multiple perspectives. (But this is a personal preference). Additionally, the story doesn't evolve beyond Falliana trekking through the snow, entering the cave and finding Kezzear. But like I said below, I understand this is just the beginning. I guess if you were to include more backstory to fill in the gaps, it would flesh it out more and the pace would be perfect.

Originality: I can think of only one other story along these lines and I'm the one who wrote it, so I would say it ranks very high on the originality scale. There aren't that many on the market like this.

Characters: There's some confusion as to the rank of characters. I couldn't decide who was what. Is Kezzear the protagonist? Or is it Fallianna? I would suggest clarifying this in the beginning. Since the story started from Fallianna's POV, perhaps she should be the protagonist? And, in addition, the only place it mentions her name is in chapter 3, when Kezzear refers to her by such (and when did she tell him her name? I didn't see that exchange.)

    Antagonist:

    Protagonist:

    Sides:

Grammar: I noted many misspelled words, misplacement of punctuation, and incorrectly formed sentences. These could be cleared up with a line edit. This would actually neaten the story up quite a bit. There were also a few places where inanimate objects are completing tasks, i.e., "a woman's boots gather snow..." and "A scarp wraps around her thin throat..." Since these are not living, breathing life forms, sentences like this should be reworded to something more like this:

"The snow gathers on her boots' leather exteriors and the snow crunches beneath her feet as she trudges through the knee-high white falling from the heavenly clouds. She wears a blue, wool dress, covering her skin all the way up to her cheeks, made paler from the cold..."

See what I did there? I simply reworded what you had so that it doesn't read like the boots actually reached out and pulled the snow down on top of them.

Realism: There really isn't any explanation of the way things work in this fantasy world. It's just stated for the reader to believe. I would suggest going back and introducing a few small facts of where the dragons originated from. Was it like in Christopher Paolini's Eragon where the boy finds an abandoned egg and brings it home, unexpectingly giving life to a long-extinct species.

Anything else: I understand that this is just the first three chapters of a whole story, but I will say, the story line didn't really move beyond a girl - out in the frigid winter snow for no reason mentioned – with a really big sword she can't swing or shouldn't have to begin with, who goes in a cave, hears a man's voice and investigates to find a dragon/hybrid in a room berating himself. She accidentally lets the door close behind her and they're trapped in a room. There are no details as to how he got there or why he's there. There's nothing about her feelings and emotions in what she's doing. If I were out in the freezing cold and come across some reptile human, I'd be scared as hell. I would suggest you weave in some emotions on Fallianna's end. Kezzear shows a moderate amount: anguish, pain, longing, want, need, etc. but there's nothing beyond Fallianna's initial reaction when she found him.

Final impression:
This has the potential of being an incredible story!