Skeleton Reviews

Experiment #S3PT1C| -kaylathecat8

Client: @kaylathecat8
Skeleton: Havingfun_ISKEY
Book Title: Experiment #S3PT1C
Chapters Read: All

Cover: It could be very much improved. The fanart being used is perfectly fine and relates to the villain of the story, but all covers should include the title as well as the author's name. Also, I know that you stated in the description that you didn't make the fanart, but please, be courteous and link to the person who did. Even if you can't remember the original source, a simple reverse image search usually solves that problem, and it only takes a few seconds. Artists deserve credit for their work. (Check out Revenant Graphics for cover help!)

Title: It's a bit dark and edgy like your story intends itself to be, so it works. However, the usage of numbers in place of letters reminds me more of something that Antisepticeye would have, rather than Schneeplestein.

Blurb: Bit on the short side, don't you think? Sure, your story is short, but your blurb could definitely be a bit more elaborate. What sort of fascination? Even if you don't want to give it away, you could try adding in a hint as to what to expect. You also don't mention anything about the disease or what the experiment is.

Description/Scenery: You do a lot of telling. Even for a short story, it's important to describe the world that the story's taking place in, as well as the characters that populate it. Often times you would say that a character had this trait or that trait (the nurse, Kassy, being "comforting and talkative"), a character had this certain opinion on something (y/n disliking hospitals), etc. It makes for a somewhat bland read. How could I, the reader, figure out that Kassy is comforting and talkative without being told so? Does she ask y/n lots of questions about her life? Does she reassure y/n that she is in good hands? (That's another piece of advice for you: use some more dialogue in Part 1.) What about y/n's hatred of hospitals? Does she briefly see images of the girl throwing up in the emergency room? Does she turn her nose and complain the moment she finds out she's confined to her bed? (I also don't think that your opening was very strong, as I'd imagine that most people generally don't like hospitals, and it's not exactly a stand-out trait.)
This is also a bit of a nitpick, but I'll leave it out here: I generally wouldn't bother dedicating half of a sentence to describing the entire meal a character is eating, especially if a majority of the more important details about the setting are left out. It just kind of stood out in the text in a really awkward manner.

Literary Devices: Overall, the story is written in a pretty straightforward manner. Reading your story was like looking over an imageless jigsaw puzzle: all of the pieces were there, but there was nothing to look at that brought it to life. That sentence right there, my friend, is an example of a literary device. Using them helps to further emphasize whatever point you're trying to make at the time, as well as providing the reader with something to picture in their head. I did see a couple of examples throughout your work, but they were a bit too uncommon. There was nothing wrong with the way your story was written, and I certainly don't want to instill doubt into you about your abilities. It's simply something to keep in mind for in the future. :)

Characters: Even for a short story, the characters should leave a lasting impact. This can be hard to do when there are only so many words to build a realistic, three-dimensional character that the audience can root for. A majority of your characters serve one basic role in the story, which is perfectly fine. Y/n and Schneeplestein, however, could use a bit of work. Unfortunately, the way that an author uses description and literary devices often has a heavy impact on the depth of a character. As I've stated before, a lot of y/n's emotions or thoughts were done through telling rather than showing, leaving little for the reader to analyze or connect to. Even beyond that, there's nothing that makes her stand out as a protagonist, or even a character at all, in a sea of all of the characters ever made for a book. This might have in part to do with the book's length, or the fact that y/n is meant to be a self-insert with lots of room for the reader to insert details from their own life into, which is something I touch upon further down.
I reread your later chapters several times, and I'm still completely confused as to what exactly Schneeplestein's motivation is or what the heck he was doing. So he's a yandere, right? He likes y/n? That wasn't the vibe I was getting at all. He seemed to be more of a fetish-induced sadist - something like Dr. Heiter out of the Human Centipede. (Please, for the sake of your sanity, do not search that up if you're young.) Am I simply missing something from the canon source? I'll admit that I'm a bit behind when it comes to Jack's egos. If it is, then it should still be explained in the story to remove confusion from unfamiliar readers.

Grammar: It was relatively clean, save for some minor run-on sentences and lack of commas where they needed to be. Do not forget to separate two different characters' dialogue into separate paragraphs: If y/n and Dr. Iplier are talking in Part 2, then each sentence they say must be on a different paragraph, rather than just one. If you want me to point out particular sentences, feel free to PM me.

Realism: Obviously, a lot of things that occur in this story could never really work in real life, so I'll have to follow the logic you try to set up within the narrative. As I've said before, a lot of characters' motivations are left unexplained, as well as the deus ex machina of the tale: the "cure all" Schneeplestein touches upon for a mere two seconds in the final chapter. How does the surgical eye cure the disease?
Also some other random questions: How does the hospital not figure out that whole bunch of people just start going missing? Why does Schneeplestein say #S3PT1C is a number? How did he make his own disease? In part 3, what things exactly help to delay the disease? What are some of the symptoms of the Giggles?

Anything Else: Personally, I don't see any reason why the main character had to be typical "y/n". It doesn't really make sense for this sort of story, as it's a pretty typical book with no "reader x character" or anything like that. It's minor, but I feel like giving the protagonist an actual name and description would have helped to flesh out her character more; otherwise, it just seems like it's being used as a way to avoid spending time on giving the character any defining traits.
What I didn't realize until Part 4 is that you have a huge tendency to use the word "I" or "You" as the beginning to most of your sentences. Try experimenting with shifting the order of words around to allow for some more varied sentences for your audience to read, so that it doesn't all kind of blend together.
For several areas in the story, you completely shifted the point of view the story takes place in from second person to first person. "You" is used solely in second person; "I" and "me" are part of first person. The two different forms cannot be used interchangeably. Pick one point of view and stick with it.
As a fan of Jacksepticeye, it was an honor to be able to review your story and see a new tale of Jack's many egos. Thanks for letting me do it. There are lots of little polishes you can do to your framework to make your story shine just that little bit more, but you're off to a decent start. Keep it up and I'll be sure to watch your progress; apologies for the delay, but I had fun and I hope this is helpful for you. :)