The Bad Boy and the Other Bad Boy

Chapter 20

LYLI:

I knew immediately what had happened when he met me. Guilt was etched into the lines of his face. It was pale and drawn but lit up when he saw me - then his eyes lowered. He instantly hated himself for feeling that way. 

That fluttery thing inside my chest had started breaking the instant I saw his expression.  

"Lyli, " He said, his voice cracking. "Lyli, I - " 

"Stop. " I said quietly. I breathed, taking all of him in, his rumpled hair, his shining eyes and perfect mouth. I let the feeling of him settle on my skin. It was like he had an aura around him, a magnetic force that pulled my eyes and feet his way. 

I breathed out, feeling a sting behind my eyes. 

Can you live without him, Lyli? 

It was something I had already thought about, of course. The nature of our awful relationship. He wasn't mine, and I wasn't his, and we were grown adults. We should know that you can't always get want you want. 

What you need. 

I had made myself imagine and imagine again how my life would feel once he wasn't in it, trying to hurt myself, to prepare myself for when this day would come. 

We had both known, from the moment he first pressed his lips to mine, that we had an expiration date on us. 

He was watching my face like it was a movie. 

I breathed in again, feeling cold air fill my lungs. 

"It's ok. " I said calmly. "I love you. " 

His eyes were burning into mine. He raised a shaking cold hand, pressing it to my face, then pulled me fiercely into him. 

"I love you. I love you. " I heard him say, or rather felt, through the vibrations in his chest. 

I breathed in the smell of him, pressing my face hard into his coat, his cold metal zip pressing into my cheek. He was shaking, crying, and I felt my throat closing up. 

After a too short time, I pulled away. 

"Goodbye, Mateo. " I said, my voice trembling. 

His brimming eyes stared into mine, lips pressed together, as if to keep words from spilling out. 

"Goodbye, Lyli. " He choked out, his voice hoarse. 

I turned around slowly, and walked over the wet black asphalt to my car, wind whipping at my skirt. 

I unlocked it, got in and pulled the door shut, muffling the sounds of the weather outside. I started the car, allowing myself one glance back at him. 

He still stood there as the rain began, tall, dark-haired, in a dark coat, so familiar. The one I always looked for first in a crowd. 

I pulled away, and down the street, seeing him still there in my rear-view mirror as the rain blurred his shape. Or was it my eyes? 

As soon as he was out of view, I pulled to the side, hands shaking too much to turn off the car. I bent over at the waist, burying my face in the darkness of my cupped hands, rocking back and forth. I heard a low, keening, sound - must of been coming from me. Behind my eyes, I could still see him standing there, watching me. I felt something clawing behind my ribs. 

Hot tears burned their way over my skin. Over the roaring of the blood in my ears, I heard the steady thump - thump - thump of the windscreen wipers across the window. 

I leaned forward, on the steering wheel, uncontrollable sobs wracking my body. 

He's gone he's gone he's gone he's gone he's gone he's gone he's gone he's gone he's gone he's gone he's gone he's gone he's gone he's gone he's gone

he's gone

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