Pacifist ♡ tlou2

Ready or n♡t*｡˚. ཾ •

Keeping my head low I followed Dina's ongoing trail of foot prints to the burial ground. My mind was racing. I'd put on a brave face earlier but now I couldn't tell if the numbness that I felt in my legs was from the cold or fear. Maybe this is my body's way of trying to tell me that doing this will only make it worse.

My limbs went into autopilot as I let my thoughts immerse me. Dina had come to a stop unbeknownst to me, causing me to clash into her back. She let out a surprised "Hey-" as she slightly stumbled forward from the impact. Turning around she looked at me for an explanation to the sudden shove. "What was that for?" She asked in confusion, slightly chuckling. Her words finally broke through the surface of my ocean of thoughts, reminding me I needed to speak. "S-sorry. I guess I got lost in my head for a second."
The features on her face shifted into a look of concern. It seems like that's the only expression she's been wearing these past few days.

"You know you don't have to do this right? I'm serious, if you aren't ready it's ok Y/n" Staring past Dina, I spotted Ellie kneeling across from a bench and in front of a tombstone adorned with a vase full of blue and white flowers. The sight made my chest hurt but seeing Ellie being strong enough to say goodbye to someone she cared about so much gave me the power I needed. Flickering my eyes back to Dina's, I repeated "I'm ready."

"Do you want me to come with you?" She questioned, still maintaining her solicitous expression. I gave her the most reassuring smile I could muster up. "I really appreciate it D but I think I'm gonna try this on my own. Don't worry though if I start to break down I'll be sure to hysterically cry loud enough so you can find me." I finished with a laugh. Her frown lifted and her lips curved into a smile. "And I'll be sure to come running." Dina mumbled out and reached her hands out to affectionately hold my face. She pressed her lips to my cheek in the same manor before stepping back and retracting her hands. After Clearing her throat she uttered "Ok I'll be by the bench waiting for you guys"

She turned around to make her way to her destination. I walked into the graveyard and began searching for Gramps tombstone with my eyes. I spotted it in the last row of graves, it was stationed under a bare oak tree. I started making my way towards it. The silence around me as I walked was pleasant besides the uncomfortable sound of the snow crunching under my boots. Before I knew it I was standing over him breathing in the scent of the flowers his loved ones left behind. I sat in front of the tomb with my legs crisscrossed and stared for a moment. Staring at his now permanent resting place was surreal, my brain still not fully adjusted to the reality of this loss for the time being. "Hey gramps, it's-it's me, Empress." I couldn't help but think of how stupid I probably sounded as my throat began to tighten.

Fighting the urge to release the tears, I continued speaking. "I'm not really sure what to say to you. I'm suppose to be saying goodbye but your already gone aren't you? I guess this is more for me then you. First I'd like to apologize for not bringing you flowers. Not like you'd care much anyways though, you'd rather me pour one out for ya right old man?" I laughed out. "Well sorry to disappoint but I didn't bring any liquor either." I could practically hear him complaining in my head causing me to laugh again. "yea yea you can haunt me about it later."
Taking in a deep breath and exhaling after a minute, I felt the seriousness of the atmosphere wash over me again.

"Anyways I— I just wanted to say...Goodbye." The tears welled up in my iris until they could no longer be held back, streams of sorrow now freely flowing down my face. Brushing them away with the backs of my hands I continued "I love you so much Grandpa Eugene. I'm sorry I couldn't save you." My words meshing with my sobs. My chest felt incredibly tight. I thought this was suppose to help me feel better? I buried my face into my palms as I sobbed more. Suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder and Ellie's soft tone entered my ears. "It's not your fault Empress"

Hearing her voice usually arrived with a sense of calm and an overwhelming happy feeling inside of me. At the moment all it brought was anger as I was reminded of my morning. Swiping her hand off and coming to a stand, my anger fueled mind decided I was gonna let her have it.
"Maybe your right, maybe it's not my fault cause you know what? I realized something today El, it wouldn't have made any difference." I said scoffing at my own realization. The tears still dripping down my cheekbones.

"Gramps was always gonna leave me, He got bit that day.....I guess that just wasn't enough of a death sentence for the universe so it really made sure the job was done huh?" I paused to let out a rough, humorless chuckle.
"I couldn't stop him from getting bit and I couldn't stop him from getting shot. I couldn't stop them from killing Joel and I know I can't stop you from going to Seattle, which you should have told me about. It feels like all I do is sit there and watch everything decaying around me. I'm sick of it, sick of being so god damn useless! They can't- I can't let them get away with this. I'm coming whether either of you like it or not."