The Hours We Have

chapter seven

I couldn't feel the cold. 

When I knew I couldn't sleep after what had happened, I crawled out my window onto the roof, as I always did when my thoughts were heavy. I hadn't brought a sweatshirt but I was too stubborn to go back inside, I was practically numb at this point. At least out here, gazing up into the night sky, I felt like I could breathe for the first time. 

I hadn't realized I was no longer alone until a blanket was dropped around my shoulders and I felt someone sit down next to me. I didn't turn my head, my eyes still stuck faraway. I would never admit it but what Ezra had said hurt a little. How could he think that of me? 

"It's chilly tonight." 

I exhaled. I knew Julian would be the only one who actually cared. Still, it didn't stop the impact, and I was falling like the shooting star that blinked across the universe. Gone in the blink of an eye. 

"I heard you slam your door," He continued in my silence, "Did you guys get into an argument?" 

"Ezra's being a hypocritical jerk." My fingers unconsciously curled around the soft fabric of the blanket as I pulled it tighter around my body. As if it could protect me from the storm that tore through my shivering heart. 

He hummed with acknowledgment. "He can be like that a lot, he doesn't know how to express his feelings--" He stopped when he realized I wasn't really listening. I had heard those words a thousand times. It wasn't the lack of expression that made me angry with Ezra, it was the fact that he never tried. He always assumed before he actually knew. 

Julian sighed beside me, "You've changed, too, you know." I didn't deny it, at least I could acknowledge it, and he nodded, "I think we've lost the meaning of family."

My breath froze. I turned my head to look at him but he wasn't looking at me. He was gazing up into the sky, cosmical grief dusting his features, and at that moment, we understood the pain. And for the first time, unlike the others, we spoke of it. In the dark, we found a connection.

"I miss them." 

"Me too." 

I turned my eyes to the stars. "Do you think they are up there? Watching over us?" 

"Yeah, I do." He leaned back, drawing one knee up, "I think they are like our guardian angels now." 

I liked that thought. "I can't wait to meet them again." 

I saw him turn his head to look at me. I didn't take my words back, I had spoken them in truth, and whether they had double meaning or not I didn't make it clear to either of us. For a few quiet breathes, he was as still as a statue through the flicker of time, I almost forgot about him, until the silence could shatter the stars.

He couldn't find the right words to say, so I did. "You know what I miss the most?" I turned to glance at him without a trace of emotion. I was desperately trying to hold onto my armor but the pain was on the inside and I was just trapping it. 

"What?" His voice was barely a whisper. 

"Us." 

"You and me?" 

I shook my head. A lump formed in my throat, I didn't want to cry, but I was finally going to admit it out loud and it felt like a heavy chain that had been choking me for too long. 

"All of us." 

Julian sucked in a breath. 

I continued, "I miss the laughter. I miss the times we spent together and I actually felt like we cared for each other. I miss the hours we had spent together beneath the sun and we would make memories worth remembering," I wiped away a tear that had escaped, hoping Julian hadn't noticed in the dark. "So, yeah, I think we've lost the meaning of family."  

"We haven't... really thought about it like that." He struggled to find the right words. I curled tighter, it was always the same response. "I didn't know you felt that way." 

"I know." 

"You know that I'm always here, right?" 

I barely nodded. 

"Promise." He didn't look away, I could feel the heaviness of his worry but I wondered how long it would last before they forgot about me again. "Promise, you will tell me when you feel like this again." When, not if. That meant things wouldn't get better. 

Still, I thought of his night terrors, the ones he had kept a secret from me. I sighed. "You didn't tell me when the night terrors returned." I felt like that was fair, a mutual agreement. 

He sighed, too. "I told you, they make me feel weak." 

"You're not." 

"Neither are you." 

"I guess neither of us believes in words." 

He chuckled breathlessly. "I suppose you're right but if there are no words, then how would we know what to believe?" 

"Silence speaks, too." 

He hummed. I noticed he did that when he was thinking. "I concur." 

I welcomed the small distraction from our heavy hearts. "That is quite the fancy talk." 

"Ah, but it is words talking and not the silence," He was grinning, I could see the whites of his teeth out of the corner of my eyes, and I felt my lips twitch, "I learned it from school today. Well, yesterday. I figured you'd enjoy it since you write." 

"You're not wrong."  

I noticed his shoulders shivering, just slightly, and I opened my blanket. He dropped his eyes to me, questioning, and I gestured for him to join me. He knew I didn't like physical contact but right now, I wouldn't mind feeling the warmth of another soul in this dark with me. 

He eventually slid closer, our legs touching, and I gave a small smile that didn't reach my eyes before looking across the city lights that twinkled on the dark horizon. He adjusted the blanket around himself and then we sat together in silence. Julian exhaled as I inhaled. I didn't feel so alone anymore. We were lost kids, looking up at the stars, as if they could somehow lead us home. 

The hour grew late and neither of us cared. 

✧   ✧   ✧   ✧   ✧

I absolutely adore Julian, he's always trying, and even my own brother (who he is after) is sorta like this. We have a closer connection than the rest. 

I had this scene written for weeks and I got too excited not to share it, so here's a double update. I'm definitely being bad ;) 

Real fact: I punched my second oldest brother when I was fourteen-ish and he had a serious black eye and swelling for a while.   edit: he was accusing me of whoring around