The Hours We Have

chapter thirty-one

I woke with closed eyes. 

For a moment, I forgot where I was and I refused to open my eyes because I was warm. I felt secure, as if the world couldn't bother me, and then I heard a heartbeat right next to mine. The soothing, slow rhythm that told us we were still alive was comforting. 

There was something bound around my waist, holding onto me, and that's when I managed to peel my eyes open. I blinked through my blurry vision and then I realized I was face to face with Mikeal. He was sound asleep and I came to realize we never left the couch last night. 

I had no idea how the two of us had managed to stay on this couch all night. I was on the inside, pressed back into the soft cushions, while Mikeal's left arm was holding me against his side, and he was sleeping on his back. His head was propped up on the arm of the couch and his lips were slightly parted. Thank god he didn't snore. 

A memory that had been buried in my mind chose that moment to surface and I suddenly remembered that when I was little, and Dad was mad, I would take refuge in my oldest brother. I remember running to Mikeal's room and hiding. I remember him holding me when I was scared and telling me silly bedtime stories to distract me.  

Much like when I used to go to Ezra when it stormed; little me had taken refuge in her brothers when she was frightened long before I would admit it. 

Maybe the defense mechanism to tragedy is the happy moments, where a part of the brain just makes this decision on its own, and the less happy moments become faded. Maybe it's how we subconsciously want to remember those who left us, without an imperfect moment, so that the pain would hurt less. So that, in the end, we can have happy moments once again.

Then, my thoughts drifted to recall the events from last night. I sighed with a heavier heart. Mikeal's words echoed in my mind, always tell the truth, and perhaps he should have added even if it hurts. Because as I remembered the expressions on my older brothers faces, the truth had hurt, and I wasn't sure what the damage would be. 

It was obvious we all had our own intense defense mechanisms to losing our parents, our own methods of survival so that adulthood wouldn't be our last stage in life, and Roman's was fighting. We were all still unconsciously fighting to be alive, to feel something more than pain. 

I bet Roman hated me, and that hurt a little more than the disappointment from my older brothers. 

I exhaled and after I decided I wasn't ready to face reality, I snuggled down and closed my eyes again. I must have drifted off for a good spell because the next time I woke up, I was the only one on the couch and a blanket had been draped over me. 

I heard voices conversing in the kitchen and my heart stuttered when I realized who it was. 

"I'm going to be late for school," Roman sounded like he was protesting. 

"I'll drive you," was Mikeal's calm response. 

I strained my ears in their silence. I heard someone by the front door, putting on their shoes, then the door opened and closed. Julian was riding the bus. After that, I was tempted to lift my head and peek into the kitchen, but at the same time, I wanted to remain forgotten at the moment. 

"Why?" Mikeal asked, "That's all I want to know, why did you do it?" 

I heard Roman sigh. "Promise to hear me out?" 

"I promise." 

"Okay," There was movement and then Roman continued, "I didn't want to tell anyone...because I didn't think anyone would understand. I thought you guys would be really mad. But, it started when the kids at school were bullying us for being parentless--I dunno, a few weeks after the funeral. I was so angry and I just lashed out, I really didn't think about my actions."