Not Scared Anymore

Chapter 30 - Kevin

Kevin was two blocks from the bookstore, nearly pulling his hair out by the roots and mumbling "Stupid idiot, what the hell is wrong with you" under his breath. Pedestrians on the street gave him a wide berth, and pointedly looked away.

Kissing her like that was enough to make him cringe, but leaving right after was unforgivable. The moment he first saw her in the bookstore, all his carefully thought-out plans and his rehearsed speech flew out of his head, leaving nothing but his insecurities and brashness behind. To top it all off, he forgot his book, but he couldn't go back in to get it. Unlikely he'd ever be able to set foot in that store again for that matter. Idiot. They had the comfy chairs.

He thought about getting onto the subway and heading home, but decided he could do with the walk instead. As stupid as his move was, the ball was in her court now. His intentions were obvious. He hadn't been graceful or coherent like he had planned, and kissing her like that had never been a part of his script. It was impulsive and stupid; he knew it would haunt his nightmares to come, but he put every ounce of feeling he had for her into the kiss.

Her lips had been soft and warm, and Kevin knew he would dream about them. He had no doubt he had ruined his chances with her, she would never kiss him back again, and he mourned that he had not made their one kiss more enjoyable for them both.

After nearly an hour of walking aimlessly he finally got onto the subway and headed home. As he came up the street to his apartment, he noticed a figure sitting on the hood of a car. Upon closer inspection, he realized it was Stephanie, and he slowed his approach. She was reading her book, and looked up at him when he came up the sidewalk towards the door. She slid off the car and held the bag from Books Etc. out for him as a peace offering.

Opening it and seeing his book inside, he was touched at how thoughtful she was even when he was behaving like a lunatic.

"Thanks. This is great." His voice cracked. Kevin thought he'd been in awkward situations before, but quickly realized they'd been nothing but a warm-up for the embarrassment that flooded him as she looked into his eyes. His face was hot, and he looked at his shoes.

"Can we talk?" She looked and sounded serious. He immediately filled with dread, certain this was the end of whatever connection they had.

"Do you want to come inside?" She nodded and he led the way. They didn't speak until they were inside his apartment.

"Can I get you anything?"

"Uh, no, not right now." She didn't exactly look happy, and he was really starting to worry. "So, about the kiss..."

He couldn't help himself and interrupted immediately, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that. That was really uncool, and I put you on the spot, and we can totally forget it ever happened if that's what you prefer. I don't want to lose you as a friend."

"No." She paused, and Kevin could feel his heart pounding until she continued. "No, what I want to know is, what took you so long?"

She was looking at him with her head cocked to the side, and light danced in her eyes. As he realized what she was saying and meaning, a smile spread across his face. He walked towards her, and she was smiling back at him. 

This time he stopped just for a second when he was right in front of her, then he reached a hand up to cup the side of her face and brushed her cheek with the pad of his thumb. He asked the silent question with a cocked eyebrow, and at her nod he brought his lips up to meet hers. She wrapped her arms around him, and returned his kiss with enthusiasm. It was gentler than his desperate kiss in the afternoon, and so much better. Slightly breathless, they broke apart.

"Better?" he asked. He could see her lips were slightly swollen. She nodded and leaned in for another kiss. He felt the world shift around him, this amazing woman hadn't fled from him, even when he had acted like the biggest tool in the universe.

A few minutes later, Stephanie was seated on his couch while he poured them both some water. As he handed it to her, she started the conversation.

"So, how long has that been building?"

He blushed, "A while."

"Why didn't you ever say anything before now?"

"I thought you didn't want that with me."

"What on earth gave you that idea?"

He shrugged, "When we were stuck in the elevator, I wasn't going to try any moves on you, which obviously you would have rejected then anyways. After that, it seemed you were kind of reeling from the break up, so that wasn't ideal either. We had that fight on the subway, and I thought you had no interest in me after what we said to each other, so I figured that ship had sailed." He sipped his water. "Then when we went to the movie, you asked if we could be friends again, so I believed that was all you wanted, just friends."

"Oh." She looked down at her lap for a moment before responding, "And all my excuses to make our hangouts last longer, or me lingering here after everyone else left? Or the picture I wanted of us at Com-Expo? What did you think all that was?"

"I honestly don't know." He shrugged.

Stephanie looked thoughtful for a moment. "I know I'm not great at flirting. I have very little experience with it outside of an established relationship. I never meant that I wanted to be 'just friends'. I just wanted us to go back the way we were, instead of being awkward and strained. After the night we went bowling and you still didn't try to make a move, I just figured you weren't interested in me, so I started using the stupid app again."

"I'm sorry. I'm not good at this. Mostly I don't think I could believe someone like you would want someone like me, so I was too scared to act. Having your friendship was better than nothing at all."

"Someone like you?"

"Yeah, a short, nerdy, shy, computer programmer. You're tall, and beautiful, and funny, and athletic and smart, and waaay out of my league."

"That's not true. I'm not out of your league at all." She grinned mischievously at him, "Unless you are talking League of Legends, because that is not really my kind of thing..." He laughed and leaned over to kiss her again. One last question plagued him.

"So, what are we now?"

"Well, if you ask me out, we could probably say we are dating. If that's what you want of course."

Wasting no time, Kevin asked immediately, "Stephanie, will you go out to dinner with me?"

"Of course. I'm free tonight."

"I'll pick you up at 7."

"It's a date." She smiled and leaned in to give him a peck on the cheek, then headed out the door.

Kevin had two hours to get ready.