Finding You

Chapter 19

June 2020

The prickly grass scratched at my arms and legs as I looked up to see pinks and blues and oranges all painted together on an infinite canvas looking down on us. I wanted nothing more than to lay here next to Sebastian in the complete absence of any sound besides the leaves on the trees whispering to one another and stare at the sky. But I also wanted to let someone see this other world I've been living in, even though I had no idea how. My nerves flaring inside of me starting in my brain and going all the way down my body. If I open my mouth to break that wall, there's no going back.

Sitting upright and crossing my legs in front of me, I shove every thought, every feeling back down. Down down down until I almost choke on them.

I hear Sebastian turn to his side and lean on his elbow to rest his head in his hand. "Everything okay?" He asks.

I can feel his honey-sweet brown eyes reaching out to me from a distance searching for something, anything to hold on to. The question is, would I lend him the rope to grab onto? Or let him slip farther and farther away? The first terrifies me the most. After everything, I finally feel okay. I feel like I can breathe on my own without relying on others to breathe for me. What if I open these wounds and they never close, and I let that pain slip back out and I can't find a way to put it back? What happens if I show someone this hidden part of my world and they don't want to see it? Or they don't like what they see and wish you never showed it to them. Except by then, the damage is done. The bombs have been set off to destroy what you put up, causing irreversible damage to the walls that make you feel safe, keeping your worst fears in captivity and unable to reach others.

My mind grabs on to both ends of the rope that plays tug-of-war in my head. Neither side was stronger than the other, stuck in a war of fear and resentment.

My mind snaps back to where we are when I hear Sebastian's voice, "You know, a very wise woman told me once that it's okay to let someone in." And with that, a single tear breaks through slips down my cheek. Tilting my head back, I let out an exhausted breathe as I look up to dusty pink clouds resting in the sky.

Feeling the warmth of his hand placed on my back as he sits up he says, "Luna, it's okay. You don't have to push anyone away. Everyone has their story, and I want to know yours. You don't have to hide it anymore, you can let go and let me in."

There's no way for me to escape. If I don't do this now, I don't know if I ever will.

"Luna why won't you talk to me?"

Spinning my head to him, I shout, "Because I don't know how to! I've kept everything away so neat and tidy for so long I don't know how to pull everything back out again."

His eyes still reaching out for me, for that rope. He says, "I don't think that's completely true, even if you believe it. I think you know how to go beyond that wall, but you're too afraid to." My eyes falling to my lap. He's right, I'm too scared. Too terrified that if I open up and let someone in to see all of this ugliness that I won't be in control anymore.

Waves of resilience knocking against the walls inside that I built, begging to be let in.

I'm done.

I'm done being scared and afraid, I'm done feeling like I don't have control over myself. I have to fight for it. And part of fighting that is sharing the worst parts of your true self with others. For the last few months, I believed that I was okay, that I was happy. And I was, but just being happy and feeling okay sometimes isn't the end of your sufferings. You have to accept your pain, accept yourself and what you've gone through in order to reach the other end of that rope. And sometimes in order to reach that acceptance, it means showing all of that hurting to someone else. To accept your truth and your sorrow is what brings your freedom.

A tiresome yet eager sigh escapes me and I say, "For most of my college career, I've spent it at my absolute lowest. And no one knew, no one suspected a thing, only because I never let anyone be allowed within a mile in range of my misery. I would stuff everything so far down and tuck it away, lock it up and hide the key where no one could find it. No one except me. But that misery always found a way to crawl its way out when no one else was around to see the ugliness of it. At first, I felt lonely, which always confused me because I have such great friends that have become my family. There was always this persistent feeling of sadness looming over my shoulder wherever I went, I learned how to use a smile to camouflage it. Being unhappy felt like a routine, something so natural that whenever I got a glimpse of what being happy felt like it was like ecstasy. At times I felt hopeless like I would never find a way to escape this. These feelings ate up everything inside of me until there was nothing left, complete and utter emptiness. It was always worse when I was alone. It's like it knew, knew that there was no one around that I could hide behind and so it took the opportunity to shove my head underwater until I was gasping for air. Solitude became my worst fear. I felt robbed of my solitude, something so precious ripped right from beneath me. I felt like I was running out of air, and I didn't know what to do.

"That night, the night I found you in the middle of the night having a nightmare during the snowstorm, you shared with me a traumatic part of your life. I didn't know how you did it. It was the first time that I realized that I wanted to be vulnerable and open with someone, but all this time since, I was too afraid to do so."

I can feel Sebastions eyes pinned on me, not going anywhere else anytime soon. "Hey, look at me," he says softly while gently touching my chin to turn me towards him, "To have gone through all of this alone, and to pull yourself out of it alone, I think you are the strongest woman I know. I cannot imagine what it was like to feel all of those things, but always know I will always be right here. Even though I know you can do it on your own, it's okay to lean on someone else too."

Sebastian's hands find their way to just above my ears, resting on my hair. He pulls me in, kissing the top of my forehead, and says, "Thank you for being brave enough to share that with me."

Pulling back, smiling as one last tear slides down my face I say, "I didn't want to break down any of these walls, up until now I didn't think I was strong enough. But you showed me how to push myself, how to do what I didn't think was possible. I can never thank you enough for that."

Leaning in, my lips press against his warm cheek. Resting my head in the nook under his ear, with the feeling of a weight that was not only just lifted off my entire body, but a weight I lifted myself. For the last three years, I've bared the weight of this anguish that was drowning me until I felt like there was no way to swim back up to the surface on my own. A weight that made me build my walls higher and higher until no one could escape, no one in or out. Including myself.

Yet, here we are.

Swimming on my own.

And no more walls.