Finding You

Chapter 24

Not a word was said from me at the funeral, only the occasional nod and forced smile whenever someone came up to me to tell me how sorry they were for my loss. I didn't know what to say to that, I mean what does someone say? Am I supposed to thank them? Tell them, yes I'm sorry too? I would rather just stay quiet. I don't know how to do this, and I don't want to. If it weren't for my friends, I don't know where I would be.

I realized that I don't understand what it means when someone says that a funeral was a beautiful service. Yes there are flowers everywhere, speeches, thoughts and prayers, people dressed nicely. But right the middle of all of that, is a casket sticking out like a thorn. Yet somehow the singing and flowers and alive and breathing bodies are a blanket of beauty overtop of the ugly sadness that lies beneath it. That blanket that covers Grams funeral is smothered in yellow. Yellow tulips and daffodils and lilies spread Grams happiness in pieces everywhere.

I wish that none of this were real.

Sebastian, Delia, and Kaia, and I rode together in my car while Henry and Jonah followed behind. Jonah drove up for the funeral but has to leave shortly after we get back home because he has to work tonight. Delia and Kaia rode in the back seat, while I sat up front and Sebastian drove. He kept one hand on top of mine the entire ride to the service and back, knowing that I really would rather not speak. But that hand let me know he was there, even if in silence.

After saying goodbye to Jonah, we all head inside the house.

"We love you always, and I know there is nothing I can say to make any of this better for you. Just know that we will always be here for you Luna," Delia says as a tear slides down her cheek and then wraps her arms around me. And then Henry joins, his arms blanketing over the two of us. Kaia next, and then Sebastian. I don't know how long we stand there huddled like this, but it feels like a lifetime.

—

I wish I could sleep. My sleep is where there is no pain, no sadness. I lie awake in my bed, my eyes shut tight while replaying my screams from the hospital over and over again. Those screams are all that fill my head and I wish I could make them stop. It's like a constant loop with no way of knowing when they'll end. No way out. Laying on my side, I pull my knees up to my chest, caving in to the tears that I desperately do not want. My Grams, the selfless woman who raised me, who wanted me when my mother did not. She was my parent and my very best friend all in one. And now I have lost both at once.

Restless, I get myself out of this bed and walk downstairs.

The four people I love the most, all asleep on the floor in the living room. Quietly, I walk over and find a small space between Kaia and Sebastian. Slowly laying down, I try not to wake anyone. Facing Sebastian, I shut my eyes tight, and then I feel his arm wrap around to my back and pull me in close enough for my head to be nestled against his warm chest. Scents of pine and sage fall beneath my nose.

My body relaxes, and while laying here with Sebastian, with these people that have become my family, a sense of comfort blankets me. And then I realize something.

The screaming has stopped.