Finding You

Chapter 29

April 2021

Bright sunlight forced me away as it gleamed through the window in Sebastian's bedroom. His soft comforter warms my skin, keeping me wrapped up tight and never letting go. Sluggishly rolling over to face him, lying on his back, his bare chest slowly rises and falls. There's something about him in this very moment that looks delicate almost, peaceful. I don't want to wake him, he looks too perfect to wake.

"I can feel you staring at me," his groggy voice says, his eyes still closed. Clearly he was already awake.

"I was not staring"

"Mhm, okay."

A split second later, peacefulness turns into surprise jumping me fully awake. Sebastian quickly flips over above me, his forearms beside my head with his hands gently tangled through my hair. We lie there for a moment. "Now who's staring."

He laughs, and his soft lips kiss mine. If only we stayed like this forever.

—

Sebastian and I decided to not be lazy in bed all day, even though that was incredibly tempting, and spend the day downtown. Old brick buildings with colorful storefronts lined the street, with string lights connecting each one and quaint seating outside each store. With his hand laced in mine, I watched as people passed us with every step. People laughing and smiling. People walking their dog, or sitting at the outdoor seating with coffee.

A little bell chimed as we walked through the front door of this hole-in-the-wall art store owned by an elder local couple who sells their artwork that they've created over the span of their lives.

Suddenly my body freezes just moments after walking inside. An all too familiar scent waves under my nose.

Vanilla and lavender.

Grams. My Grams.

My eyes swell and my throat tightens. Breathe. In and out.

Sebastian's arm wraps around my lower back. "Everything alright?" That clasp in my throat loosened a bit.

Grief is sneaky, it will catch you and sweep you right off your feet when you least expect it. It will creep up behind you, in a song or a piece of clothing. A smell. Any small detail that reminds you of what you lost. One moment you're smiling, and then it's gone.

"Just thinking of Grams. The smell, this place smells just like her."

"We can go home—"

"No. I'm okay. Let's look around." He nods, and places a kiss on the top of my head.

After looking around a bit, one of the owners of the store catches me admiring one of the pieces. It was the back of the upper half of a bare skin woman looking over her shoulder, with boundless curls of her hair that almost filled the top half of the painting. Vibrant blues and oranges and pinks filled the background.

"I painted that in my early twenties. It was my favorite piece. It made me feel utterly free, and for once not tamed by others in my life," the older woman spoke.

"It is absolutely beautiful. If you don't mind me asking, if it is a favorite of yours, why are you selling it?"

"It brought me an immense amount of happiness and freedom and peace. But sometimes the things in life that bring you happiness, can do that for others too. I thought it was time I shared it with someone else. Someone who needs it more than I do now."

"I'll take it."

—

"Hey, did you hear from that internship in Los Angeles?" Sebastian asks. I can feel the heat flooding my cheeks, turning them a nervousness pink. I have to tell him, but I don't want to choose between him and the job. I can't lose him. Sebastian accepted the internship in New York in the graphic design studio at a major magazine company. He was so thrilled he all but squealed after he got the phone call that they wanted him. And I am so, unbelievably happy for him. But I don't know what this means for us if I accept the internship in Los Angeles.

The skin on my hands are rubbed raw from anxiously scrubbing the dishes clean. Rushing water sounds the blank air while I hesitate to answer.

"I did," I finally say, keeping my head down in the sink.

"Well?"

"They offered me the internship, well paid and everything."

"Why do you sound like that's not what you wanted?"

Peeling my eyes from the sink, landing straight ahead at the wall in front of me, I let out a worrisome sigh.

"It is what I wanted. But that's the problem. You'll be in New York, and I'll be on the other side of the country. If I go, then what if it's goodbye, Sebastian?" Tears sting my eyes. "Maybe I shouldn't go. I can look for something in New York. There has to be something. You've worked too hard to not get what you deserve and dreamed of. I just want to be with you."

Sebastian comes up behind me, his hands on my hips turning me around to face him. Those hands find their way up to my face, pushing a strand of hair behind my ear.

"No," he says softly. "You're going to Los Angeles. You have wanted this since I met you over two years ago, you fought too damn hard for this. And you deserve it. They want you, they want you, Loo. Who wouldn't? So you go there, go be the badass science girl I fell in love with, and I'll be in New York."

Is he saying what I think he's saying? My heart sinks straight to the floor as it drags tears from my eyes along with it. "Sebastian, I don't want to say goodbye to you."

He smiles, and lets out a gentle laugh as his fingers hold my chin up to him. "This is not a goodbye. It's only a see-you-later."

Letting out a laugh of relief, I say, "Okay. Let's do this. We each go do what we earned and fought for, together."

"Besides, it is the twenty-first century. There's a lovely invention called FaceTime, and phone calls, and plane tickets." His lips meet mine, comforting and wild and together as one.

"And, my Luna. Goodbye is something I would never want to say to you."