Finding You

Chapter 9

March 2019

Sweet, nutty aromas of fresh coffee fill the space and my senses. Warm brown textured tile lines the base of the checkout counter, with dark green subway tile covering the wall behind it. Earthy brown and cream textures and tones scatter throughout the coffee shop, bringing in a sense of warmth and the outdoors. Henry, Delia, and I have spent the last five hours drinking coffee and studying for midterms next week.

"My brain is too full of shit that I probably won't use again. I don't understand why I have to take biology when I'm a graphic design major," Delia says.

"Beats me D, but if you need any help, I'm your girl."

"I might take you up on that," Delia says. "I need more coffee, anyone else? This time on me."

"Yes please. I'll take a hot vanilla latte," Henry says.

"I'll have the same as Henry, thanks D."

"How are things with you and Jonah?"

Henry pauses in his work, and a smile appears on his face. "Things are great, actually. I haven't quite figured it out, but there's something about him where when I'm around him all I want to do is smile. He makes all my days better. I know we've only known each other and been together for a little less than five months but I—"

"Oh, my god. You're in love with him! Holy shit."

"Holy shit what?" Delia says as she sets our coffees down on the table.

"Henry is in love with Jonah." Delia lets out a loud squeal in excitement for Henry, making me jittery inside.

"Oh for fucks sake keep it down," Henry says, looking around to see if Delia grabbed the attention of anyone. But then he looks back at us, pausing, and then bashfully smiles at us and we all burst out giggling.

"We're both so happy for you. You deserve the absolute world," I say.

—

As the night goes on, warm yellow string lights glow around the shop brighter as the sky gets darker. Light, soothing music plays that keeps conversations with other people unnoticeable. Around eleven at night, I noticed that for the last hour I've gotten no work done, for some reason I'm unable to focus on anything.

Suddenly a sense of nauseating discomfort and dark, gloomy desolation washes over me, and it scares me.  My nerves and thoughts start itching on the inside, and I beg them to stop, to please just leave me alone.

This won't last forever.

Soon you'll have to be alone.

Where there's no one to distract you. To protect you.

Soon you'll remember how you don't have control.

And how much you hate it.

And how much that makes you hate yourself.

With shaky hands, I gather my notebooks and laptop up and pack everything in my bag. Without looking up I can sense Henry and Delia looking at me.

"I- I have to head out, I just realized I left an important notebook in the science building yesterday. I'll probably just finish up a few things in the lab there before I head home, in case you get back before me D."

"You sure? I can walk you over there," Henry says.

"Yeah, yeah I'll be fine, it's not a long walk."

"Okay, well text me when you get there."

There was no notebook. I needed to get out of here as soon as possible. Something cold and sad following me and shoving me out the door. Cold air skims my cheeks as I walk outside. I try to keep myself together, even at this hour, there are handfuls of people walking around outside.

What's wrong with me?

Everything. 

My breathing heavies as I walk through the entrance of the science building. I quickly text Henry where I am, and then hurry and try to make my way downstairs to the lab I always go to on weekends, the only one without any chemicals, which is the only lab my ID will get me into after hours.

Luckily no one else is in here. Standing there, I look around and wonder why I'm here. Because I let my fear best me, again. For the first time, I left my friends. I left them because I was scared, scared of them seeing this version of me, the me that I don't like very well. I was also scared that my thoughts and fears would take over me completely until I lost it. Out of anger, I shove the stacked papers sitting on the desk inches away from my left, sending papers in the air, and then watch them float to the ground. Then I go for the next stack next to them. And then the next. And the next. White papers soon became a blurry storm that rained around me until they collapsed on the floor with the others.

"Why!" I called out, to no one. Why do I feel this way? It's like a restless state of grief that strikes me when it knows that there's no one around to protect me from it when I'm at my weakest. It knows my deepest fears, it knows me better than I do. The worst part is, it feels impossible to tell anyone any of this because it's insane. How do I explain any of this, my feelings, what goes through my head, when I have no reason to feel this way? Like I need a reason to justify any of it. I hated it. I hated all of this.

My lips trembled simultaneously as my shoulders shook. My vision blurred from the tears in my eyes, and my chest felt like a hole was carved into it. As my hands and shoulders and lips shuddered, even more, my strength was stripped away from me as my knees hit the ground. Heaving tears streamed down my face like an overflowing bathtub, threatening to ruin everything around it. A gasp of wailing and sobs escaped the cage they were trapped in, pleading to be set free.

I'd rather be anywhere else besides being trapped with only myself.

And I hated myself for that.