Blood is thicker than water

Chapter 32

Adelina POV:

TW:  contains suicidal ideation and intrusive thoughts, read at your own discretion

Numbness is a wonderful feeling. Or it's not. I couldn't care, I crave it more than happiness. Happiness seems far too unobtainable now. Numbness cured my spiral, numbness dulled the painful ache and numbness is what I call my drunken state.

Self-control was always something I lacked when it came to substances that would make me forget, that would make it all stop. And well, today, I needed it all stop. 

I probably had half the bottle of rhum to myself before Sebastian took it away from me, insisting I drink some water in between. I had abandoned the coke in my rhum when I stopped tasting the difference.

I didn't listen to him and he couldn't make me. I snatched the bottle back and he couldn't argue, I'm stubborn when sober and even moreso drunk. Besides, he was too full of booze to bicker with me when I would kiss him. 

The liquor hadn't fully caught up with me yet and I was just in between being blissful and drowning in alcohol until I caught a fleeting face. 

I stammered, not quite finishing my sentence directed at whoever it was, and turned back and around, looking up and down for Michael's bloodied face. I could have sworn I'd seen it, or maybe it was the paranoia finally pushing through.

And well I couldn't quite forget it. The haunting thought followed me at every turn. It crawled across my skin and lingered in my peripheral of my vision only to dissipate moments later. He wasn't there. He couldn't be.

But my hand grabbed the neck of the bottle anyways.

Unbeknownst to me, my eyes were watering as the dark liquor went down and I didn't know where Seb had gone by then. A blond haired friend of his was rooting for me, chanting "chug" over and over again as if he knew the memory I was trying to get rid of. 

Th empty bottle hit the floor with a clank after slipping from my fingers. I looked around, not sure when the chanting had stopped, and I realized I was alone. Everyone was talking, laughing and joking but they took a backseat to my thoughts.  

There was nobody there for me.

Fresh air sounded nice right about then. I awkwardly stumbled out the door to the balcony, a cold draft smacking me right in the face but I welcomed it. My emotions were all over the place so when I decided I wanted to see the stars, I layed down onto the even colder pavement. 

 I gazed at them all in quiet observation. Some were bright and some flickered, some were close to one another and others awfully far from each other. 

The people I loved were stars, I didn't know which ones but certainly one belonged to each of them. But I wasn't up there, I knew I wasn't. 

I giggled at the thought, cupping my hands over my nose and mouth. It was all blurry now. What a thought; I couldn't have star, I didn't even have a light to flicker. 

Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid, everything is so stupid. I didn't care much for any of it anymore, I was alone, I was forgotten but most of all, I was so damn unimportant. What was holding me down to this? To this life? To these people?

The answer was nothing. And I don't know why that was so comical to me.

Full laughs bloomed from my chest. It was all so funny.

My head turned, my ear made contact with the icy cement and cooled the metal of the earrings, and my eyes locked with the short steel railings. I stared and stared, until a thought casually popped into my mind. What would happen if I fell? And then how would it feel? Then what would it do?