To Love and To Be Loved (A Jasper Hale/ Whitlock Love Story)

Admittance

We walked to the tree line, and the moment we were out of sight, we were off, running quickly, until we reached a clearing. It was small, but it was beautiful, with a large, old tree in the center. The perfect spot for a picnic, if I were still human.

I didn't even realize I had still been holding Jasper's hand until he let go. Immediately, I missed the feeling of his touch. We walked to the tree, and he sat with his back to the tree. I sat beside him, but I faced him and moved about a foot back from him, making it easier to talk. I saw the look on his face.

"What is it?" I asked him quietly. He looked bothered.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked quietly, and I stayed silent. He looked at me with concern. "When we talked that one night, why didn't you tell me all this?"

"There are just some... things that are... harder to talk about." He looked thoughtful, and even though his disappointment and concern gave way to understanding, I continued. "I don't want to keep secrets, Jasper," I murmured, looking down. "I was used in the Volturi for a lot of things. I've lived for four-hundred years, there are things in my past that are just that: my past. I had never felt... romantically for someone before Benjamin, but it wasn't completely the same the other way around. There was Alec, and there was Alistair, but neither of them I had romantic feelings for."

"Alistair?"

"I met him in passing," I nodded. "Traveled with him for a time, before I went to Egypt. He admitted he had feelings, but... I didn't reciprocate them, and when we got into an argument, I left." Jasper nodded as he took in the information.

"What happened?" he asked quietly. "At the Volturi?" My gaze dropped. "What did they make you do?"

"I was death row," I told him. "Anyone the Volturi wanted to torture, they had Alec and Jane take their turns before handing them to me, and then had me try something new. A new form of torture whenever they asked before I killed them..." I buried my head on my hands. "Aro would come up with the new ideas."

"Once..." I shuddered. "They brought me a human that worked for them... Apparently they did something wrong... I thought..." I swallowed hard. "I thought he did something terrible... I thought..." I took a shaky breath before moving on. "Aro had me boil their blood inside them... he died from the pain... And from his organs being cooked inside him." I shuddered, and I felt both fear and guilt, self-hatred that made me feel sick. "He mis-spelled a word in a message he had received."

There was silence.

"I would just do whatever Aro asked of me. Jane hated me. She was jealous of the pain I could inflict upon people, and she hated me even more when I began to refuse Aro's demands, and even more when she found out that her brother had feelings for me... she felt that I was stealing him from her... I had lost touch with the little bit of humanity that was still inside of me for almost thirty years before I stopped... I thought that was all my existence would be. Just... emptiness. I didn't think I had the choice to leave."

"But you left anyway."

"They started getting angry with me for refusing their demands," I continued, moving my hands from my face. "Alec and I had been best friends since day one. He did what he could to appease them, but... First, I started putting people to sleep before I..." I shook my head, knowing he knew what I meant. "They thought it was unnatural. They tried to tell me that part of the sport of hunting was to watch their fear grow... And then, when I heard about the vegetarian lifestyle and told them I wished to pursue it, they grew furious. I could just see it... Aro tried to ease me back into their ways. He began by trying to to convince me to stay, so I did. But... I still refused to torture anyone-no matter what they claimed their crime was-and I still began hunting animals instead of humans."