Reviews and recommendation

The royal contract

By thatchrxstiangirl

I disappeared. Again. 

But hey, it's July for everyone. Still, since I haven't used English in quite a lot, let me know if this chapter is unintelligible. 

Anyway, to be honest I didn't love this book.

 As entertaining as it is, there is just... too much. 

High School. Vampires. Royal Family. Dystopic.  Way, way too much. 

At the same time, to put so much on the table and still manage to write something decent without forgetting a part along the way proves a good potential talent. 

I don't think I was too harsh, but I decided to insert quite a lot of points to work on for the writer. 

POSITIVE NOTES

1. Bloody

Who, like me, is a little annoyed by vampire/mafia/werewolfs stories that just... skip on the gruesome part?

"Jason looked at Mr. Brown, tied up to a chair in the middle of the room. After all he had done to him, he would have finally had his revenge. He was going to hurt him.

As the torturer stepped towards the man, the door closed behind the trio."

Next chapter, Mr.Brown is dead. What's the dilemma of the book if the "bad" side of the character is never actually seen? When can I enjoy the shiver of horror at gruesome parts?

In this book.

By chapter three, the prince sucked at least three people like candy canes.

No regret involved.

Not only, the writer sharply describes the action of drinking on people (girls, obv). The taste of blood, the temperature of it, the action to the minimal details.

Felt shivers when he squeezed her, basically treating her like a capri-sun.

2. Adara

As you will read, I hated the prince's writing. Yet, I loved Adara. She's well written. Realistic, relatable, young. It's quite visible that the writer put a part of herself/himself in her.

NEUTRAL NOTES

1. Present simple

It's not a grammatical mistake, but I'm honestly not a fan.

It's much more typical to the fanfiction style, rather than an actual novel. In the "published" world, present simple is only used in screenwriting, where it's essential to focus on the simple action.

Using present simple therefore wear off a lot of elegance and fictional strength.

NEGATIVE NOTES

1. Language

Don't get me wrong, I'm not criticizing  your writing skills.

The point is: the topic of your book seems to be quite solemn.

A royal family, vampire history, tragedies and laws. Even if it will eventually turn into a romance book (I suppose), the language at the beginning is far too simple and direct.

It feels like being explained the second world war by a middle schooler.

2. The prince.

Jesus, chill.

"Desired" as much as "sexy", are not character traits.

They are adjectives.

Building a character, you have to give them characters traits that will then translate into the adjectives you want your reader to attribute to them.

For example, a self-assured and confident character will behave in a way that will make the reader think they're sexy.

By chapter three, prince charming still isn't pretty or interesting or anything. Which is alright, it's just chapter three.

Yet, giving him a flock of fangirls screaming his name, announcing in TV his last love story (btw, sorry, but... this one was cringe.) create a lot of expectative for something that doesn't seem to be there. We see him. He still haven't done anything special. Where is the charm?

3. Lack of empathy

The character's problems aren't common. I can't relate to them in any way.

I understand the story is quite fantastic, involving a vampire royal family, yet it's mandatory for the reader to connect with the main characters. Or they just won't care.

Since the prince needs to be a little unrealistic, maybe try focusing more on the girl for the first few chapters. 

IN GENERAL:

I really hope I haven't destroyed your self esteem, thatchrxstiangirl...

If so, let me know. Mea culpa. 

And look at your views's number. It might help boost it. ;)