Reviews and recommendation

The Von Rogue's son

by 

In a dark, smoky, 20th-century England, we meet Mr. Howard. A normal, quite decent person. Drowned by his debts, he gathers his courage and shows up at the Von Rogue's mansion, the most powerful family in the country. For whom he works. 

But something dark hides in the family. And as he spends more and more time with the fascinating members of the Von Rogues, he falls slowly into a net of dangers. 

Positive Notes

1. Atmosphere

Dracula meets steampunk in this novel, in an exquisite embrace.

The palette is clear and coincides with the cover, the characters are quite interesting and fit well into the world... the worldbuilding here is excellent.

2. Cover

Lol. 

Not really much to say, but loved it. 

On one hand, it recalls the atmosphere of the book (quite a strong point), on the other, it really made me laugh. 

The title is perfectly placed and visible in quite an elegant font. Below it, a small, one-sentenced review is placed, recalling the look of bestsellers. 

If you're cheeky enough to zoom in on that, though, a pearl is waiting. 

"Really gay" reads the review. Signed by: A gay writer with no boyfriend. 

3. Gay

Honestly, little review, I completely agree. 

This book is really gay. 

Like, really really gay. 

Set in a really gay time. Very hot.

Loved it. 

Neutral Notes

1. Paragraphs

Long paragraphs enhance the similarity with an actual book but aren't entirely necessary.

It's a choice of the writer, but in your case, considering your syntax problem (see below), a good exercise could potentially be dividing each sentence into a line and then gluing them back together.

Negative Notes

1. GRAMMAR

Don't take it on a personal level.

I've been pointed out as well on this. But you have an issue.

Most of your sentences present bad grammatical mistakes (times continuity, repetition of the subjects, using an adjective as a word, or vice versa).

Not only, but most of your sentences are also too long for their own structure.

I can see that you're trying to translate expressions and constructions from a different language (do you by any chance speak Italian? Or a Latin language?) but they don't work in English in most cases. Most of your sentences attempt a musicality and symmetry that would be quite pleasurable, but sadly fall victim to a language barrier.

I'll add an example, just to explain myself better.

- My thoughts were broken, and the dread had ended, but it was only replaced with awkwardness as Mr. Rogue speaks to me "...

You start with the past tense. Out of the blue "speaks" is in present. As we come back from the speech, we're in present. He answers the question and boom! Back to past.

It is quite confusing.

Replaced BY, not with. Lastly, even if it's not too bad, direct speech start with :", Not just "

The final result is a text that is often too complicated, and too full of mistakes to be understood.

Light up, though. You don't lack talent. Just download Grammarly or something similar.

2. Language

Again, too much confusion.

Your writing pass from his stream of consciousness (which requires a lot of skills), to direct speech, to his thoughts, again. There is nothing to separate those parts and it's hard to follow along.

On the other hand, I see the care you put into expressing his thoughts with a much older, formal language, adapt to the time period (I did not desire the love of a maiden but of a man/ I knew how to be discreet when I and another one of my taste...). Sadly, this clashes in other points, where this language is lost, confusing the reader again (I guess I might have had a wet dream, and if so it was a pretty fucked up one at that.).

IN GENERAL: 

You asked me to be completely honest. 

You had to know whether it was "dog or not". 

The good news is: it's not dog. 

Yet, I didn't like it either. 

Strengthen your syntax, clean up your grammar and give this story a rewrite.

The subject seems quite interesting and fun... but you still gave me a headache.