Wren

Chapter thirty five: Returning

Cam, Ava and I travel home after the game, we all live within twenty minutes of each other back in Portland, and it seemed like old times to make the two hour drive home together. I can't tell you the amount of time that we had spent together when I was with Ava. Late night milkshakes and trips along the coast, drinking in the sea air and singing at the top of our lungs.

I am sat beside Cam who is driving us. Ria had bought him a ridiculously expensive classic convertible straight out of the fifties, for his eighteenth in the summer, and it was his pride and joy.

We hadn't needed to bring much luggage back luckily, since it wasn't a long break, we would be back at university next Monday. We each had a large bag of dirty laundry which was squished into the seat beside Ava in the back. It would be four days to soak in home before we returned, I mean that was my plan only days ago, but now it was actually something a lot more intense and important.

I had text Max this morning, and now I felt like it was perhaps a huge mistake, it felt wrong to spring him on my parents but equally it was the only way to get a true reaction and understand what happened between them all, none of them would know we were meeting, that way nobody could have time to make anything up. What I got would be a true natural reaction.

W-
Hi, this is Wren. If you have time and it's convenient would you be up to talking again? Perhaps we could meet in Portland? I will be there from Thursday. I don't even know where you live or if you are close by? So if you are halfway across the country don't worry about it. Please just let me know x

M-
My girl! Yes, I can be there, of course, anything for you. I live in Missoula, Montana with my wife and the kids. I could be there in an eight hour trip! :) and anytime you need me I can be there Wren, you only have to say. I listened to your game by the way, that's my girl, you got everyone talking with that performance tonight... absolutely incredible. So what day do you want me?

W-
I appreciate you taking the time and driving down. I have a party on Saturday so perhaps Friday... Friday lunchtime. I will send the address. Thanks Max.

M-
Please, if you feel comfortable, call me dad x look forward to seeing you x : )

Absolutely not, I would not be calling him dad, not just like that. I hadn't even got past second gear with this situation. I was nowhere near "dad" level comfort with this person. Even if Max was my biological father, dad was a title that was earned by being there for your children and having a loving relationship with them, and I didn't have a relationship with Max, so until that day, if it ever happens, he wouldn't be dad to me. He wouldn't be anyone to me, let this man meet my parents and then ask me again... who is this man to me?

By the end of Friday I would have an answer for you, my dad? Or someone I would never share oxygen with again?!

***

We had dropped Ava off first, her parents were not impressed to see me helping her out of the car with her large laundry bag. I was taken aback by the way she didn't flinch though, it was like she didn't care anymore what they thought, and the way she leant in and kissed my cheek, her mouth pressing so closely to my lips I could have sworn I felt them brush mine, it was evident, she didn't care what they thought anymore.  There was a little sensation in my belly as Ava moved away, her eyes lingering on mine for a moment, it made me wonder if there was something still there, was I just suppressing what I truly felt for her for fear of being hurt again? Or was it actually done... that feeling in my belly, it made me question myself.

As Ava walked away though I shook it off and got back into the car beside Cam, no, it wasn't possible I still had feelings for Ava, not when Millie was right behind every thought I was having, like a reflection wanting to be seen but fading into the dark as my thoughts repeatedly forced Max to the forefront. God, until I made sense of this, Millie was being suffocated in the workings of my mind, I bet if you scanned my brain right now there would be a highlighted spot where she was being held prisoner, a constant thought on my mind that was being silenced by the darkness.