Never Ever

29| A little champagne

Two hours later, I'm officially a member of the San Fran Shore Aquatics. It doesn't feel real, and even as I'm hurrying to my Uber, I expect to look back and see Coach Jackson chasing after me to tell me she's made a mistake.

She doesn't, obviously, so I settle into my seat and glance in the rearview while talking with the driver. My hair is dripping wet, and I'm pretty sure my red-rimmed eyes aren't from the chlorine but from the after-pool-crying I'd failed to disguise, not that it mattered. Everyone else had been too wrapped up in their own qual times to notice, and a brief dunk of my head was able to wash any evidence away.

The only problem is, I'd been in such a rush to make it to Noah's that I'd dashed out of the locker rooms practically half-dressed, and now I look...wild, to say the least. But for once, I'm not obsessing. All I can think about the whole ride back is how, one minute, it felt like my life lacked any direction, and now everything makes sense again. I make sense, and strangely, so does Noah.

Or maybe that's wrong: it's not that Noah and I make sense; it's that I'm no longer weighed down by anxiety over it. My shoulders feel lighter, and even though part of me still worries he'll hurt me, I don't want to think about that tonight. I just want to celebrate making it on the team, strings or no strings be damned.

I spend the next few minutes fantasizing about the future. Coach Jackson told us in the briefing afterward that our first practice is on Monday, and that's when we'll be given more information about the meets, which will most likely be in two weeks. It doesn't give me a lot of time to improve, and even though I should probably be scared, I'm not – I'm excited.

Mom would always tell me I'm the kind of kid who has to have a goal to work for or else I'll go crazy, and she was right, but it's more than that. I went without swimming for so long that all I want now is to make up for lost time.

At one point, when I'm busy imagining myself in the Shore Aquatics swimsuit, the driver notices my Cheshire grin and offers a smile of his own. "You look like you're on cloud nine back there. Good news?"

"Yes, actually." I feel my smile grow bigger. "I made it on the swim team."

His eyes brighten so much that you'd think I'd told him I made it to the Olympics. "That's great news; congratulations."

"Thank you," I say and immediately pull out my phone to find a handful of messages, some from Noah asking how things are going and a few from Addy wanting to know where I am.

From the urgency of her last message, she's seconds from sending out a full-blown search team, so I tell her I'll be home soon. Then I switch to Noah's chat and, wanting to tell him about tryouts in person, type that I'm on my way.

He doesn't respond, and at first, I figure he's probably just showering, but then I get a message from Addy.

My heart sinks.

You're alive! Come to Jesse's.

The Uber pulls up as I re-read the message. Not only is Addy not on speaking terms with Jesse, but why would she invite me over to Jesse's unless–

My question is answered the second I step out of the Uber. Music blares all the way from the rooftop, mixed with cajoles and the occasional scream, so of course, they're throwing a party. Why is Noah throwing a party?

I step into the packed lobby and spot a few bikini-clad girls from campus huddling before the elevator. It's not like I'm against a party, per se, but it wasn't what I'd imagined when Noah agreed to meet me at the rooftop tonight. Not when I'm here with my gym bag in tow and tendrils of hair stuck to my face.