The Stargazer's Alpha

Ch. 1: The Green Eyed Wolf

Negotiations with my landlord were short. Their outcome was simple. He—the jerk—wouldn't press charges. I—the bitch—would vacate my room by the time he was back from the hospital.

"Leave the keys inside!" The jerk slammed the door.

I couldn't believe I bit him. He grabbed my chin to show me what he wanted in place of my overdue rent. My vision went red, and...dunno what had happened next. His bloodied hand was undeniable. He needed stitches. He was screaming. I was shaking.

So...I guess I bit him.

Admittedly, I was insanely stressed. After I aged out of foster care, I thrived on ramen and dreams. One dream, actually. I dreamed I could scrape together enough money to pay college tuition. After two years, it felt like the goalposts weren't just moving, but like they were out of my reach.

But biting people? Even if those people were slimy landlords? That was a new low.

I sighed and tossed my neatly folded jeans and shirts in the ratty bag, zipped it, then topped the bag with the laundry basket. Then I bundled my secondhand textbooks and tied them with a string. My whole life tucked into one bag.

My breath escaped in an even deeper sigh. Should I even bother dragging the books along? Maybe it was time to let go. Had I really hoped I could get a degree in astronomy?

Thanks to dreaming about the stars, I would be sleeping underneath them tonight. Were Mom still alive, she would be sad to see what her baby-star came to. But she was dead, leaving me with nothing but a ring and a half-forgotten song for protection. She used to say it was all I needed to find happiness.

I twisted my mom's ring on the cord hanging around my neck. As a small girl, I wore it there rather than my finger, because it was adult-sized. When I grew up, I kept it there because my index finger was the best fit otherwise, and I didn't want people to think I was engaged or divorced or whatever.

I loved the ring. Its star sparked my interest in astronomy. Even now, that star twinkled in the pale blue depth of the moonstone.

Maybe this was the only star I needed; my one lodestar. I slipped the ring off the cord and into the palm of my hand, squeezing it, and squeezed my eyes just as tight.

Mom, I miss you, I thought. Nobody has ever loved me since you've been gone.

It wasn't for the lack of trying.

Every time I started a new class or scored another minimum-wage job, I wished upon a star to make a friend. It never happened. Everyone belonged to a clique, league, or group, and I didn't.

Shy, people agreed behind my back, or weird.

The harder I tried to be nice to other people, the less they seemed to like me. Even online, the other girls only had to post something silly—is it weird i think mermen are hot uwu—and the comments poured in. My posts received thumbs down, even when I asked about sexy fairy creatures.

It was like I had been branded with loneliness.

So, yes, it's been hard, Mom. No happiness found.

Maybe it was because I couldn't remember Mom's special song. The shock of Mom's death wiped the words clear out of my memory. Year by year, I hummed the melody, stringing a few words together. Sometimes they seemed to be the right words, sometimes they felt all wrong.

Sealed by moonlight... I sang the first line. I was sure it started that way. The air tingled in response to my voice. Or, maybe, I heard buzzing in my ears because I was hungry and stressed.