The Halfblood Sister

Chapter 6: Tangled

I had never been in a position to have a crush on someone. I guess I just never believed I would heal enough to actually consider feeling the rush of a crush on someone. That would require some sort of physical attraction right? Am I capable of feeling a physical attraction toward someone after all the things I have encountered? I think I want to explore and see because I find myself unable to contain my excitement over what he had just revealed to me. I'm not naive enough to believe he isn't just some boy doing what boys do either. I feel something sincere in his gaze and don't believe that is what this is. I think this might be my first love. My first semi-adult relationship. I find myself once again hopeful.

We encountered one another a few more times over the next weeks through barn chores and lunches on the ranch. Each time we talked and shared little things such as our favorite color and food and all the basic stuff you use as icebreakers when you're in the "courting" stage so to speak. Mother would tell me" It's very unbecoming of a young lady to be flirty and throw herself at a man. Let him come to you." she would say. A lot of her idioisms came to mind in my life. The harsh facts she would give me about life that she meant to be lessons for me had almost made me disgusted with men or the idea of sex at all.

I had never imagined even holding hands with a boy because that leads to other things and so forth. I had been very careful not to make eye contact for too long with people so as not to be leading them on. Or giving them an excuse to say I did. However, I like looking into Jensen's eyes. His eyes are gorgeous. A different shade of green every time I see him. Sometimes an aqua and sometimes green as grass. He has gotten more tan over the summer here and it gives him lighter-colored blonde highlights in his light brown hair as well as a more stern brow from squinting in the sun. He is no less than the word sexy and I say that with a flush on my cheeks to myself for the first time. Silently.. or so I thought.

Jensen turns around to me and looks right into my gaze and seems to know exactly what I just thought. There is no way I said that out loud. Absolutely no effing way. I'm so embarrassed right now when he says "What are you looking at?" I said "Um I was just seeing if there were a pair of gloves on your post there. I couldn't quite tell though. Do you have a pair there?" He looks and finds a pair then walks over to me with them and holds them way above his head where he knew I couldn't reach them. I am a firm 5' 6" but Jensent is about 6' 2". I stared him square in his eyes and said "I will not ever trade you a damn thing for something else, so can I use the gloves or not?"

He realized immediately that he had triggered something he didn't mean to trigger and dropped his hands handing me the gloves. "I'm so sorry Jo I would never mean anything like that. I would never hurt you. I would never do anything you didn't want me to. I'm sorry, forgive me?" I promptly said "Yea ok.. just you know I'm not sure why I reacted that way and you probably think I'm crazy. I'm sorry too."

"No, I don't think you're crazy at all. I think you are damn near perfect. You're smart and funny and you take care of your sister like she is your world. You're gorgeous too but that's another story. I don't want to ever do anything that makes you uncomfortable with me but I want to kiss you so bad Jo. I have for weeks. I want to hold you and pull you inside of me and smell your hair. I want you to love me as I love you and I know now you think I'm crazy but it's like I know you and you are my final piece to the puzzle. Please don't run away from me or report me or anything because I swear I'll never act on any of it if you ask me not to. I had to tell you Joleen I couldn't keep it inside any longer. But I'll die with it if you don't want me."

That last part made it all seem so important. If I didn't want him? Do I want him? I mean what the hell just happened? Could things just happen this fast? Could I love him? I mean I don't even know what love really feels like but I have seen it in people on television. The Caster's were a great example of love and I could live that life with someone one day. I don't even know him. He's expecting me to say something. So I start "I don't know how I feel about that. I like this that has been going on and I don't want that to change right now. Is that ok? I'm not freaked out because I feel something too. I just don't understand it. I have baggage and I'm not familiar with this" " Wait wait" Jensen interrupts. "I didn't mean to make it so dramatic or seem forced. Take your time I want to know you. I want you to want me like I want you all on your own."

I'm unsure how I feel about him saying he wants me to want him like he wants me. I do want him. I was just thinking the words to myself that the only word for him was sexy. Now he is right here close enough to me that I feel the heat of his body on my bare arms. It has been so hot out this week that everyone is wearing the least they can to still be able to stand to work in the barn. That means a tank top for the girls and sometimes a tanked tee for the boys also referred to as wife beaters. That term isn't allowed in this home for obvious reasons but it's what my dad always called them so it's what I think in my head about them.

Today Jensen was in this tank and his muscles were really showing themselves as he threw up the hay bales in the loft and did the feeding for the horses. He mainly worked the horse barn as they were his form of therapy. I worked with all the livestock but had found myself drawn to the horses lately. Maybe it was this stallion that had my attention. Oh my Gosh did I just think that? I must be blushing out loud right now. It has been a full minute at this point since his last word and I have been racing in my mind and my heart is flying. I can feel my temperature rising and he leans down to whisper in my ear.

"I just want to kiss you" he brushes his lips across my ear and then leans into my neck and breathes slowly in, drawing my scent in as he breathes his hot breath on my neck, then he places my loose bangs behind my ear. I feel cold chills run down my body and a small tickle in my groin. I am so tangled on my insides with a rush of desire and pure panic that if he actually kisses me I'm not sure that I can contain myself. I might do exactly what mother always told me not to do and throw myself right at this boy, no man, that is in front of me. He asks me "Is this ok?" and I say in half a whisper "Yes" and he kisses me.