Shattered Mind - A KDA male reader

011 - Phoenix Effect

It is pretty funny when you think about it.

Or at least while I was sitting there in silence contemplating what I'd just learned; I couldn't help but find it somewhat amusing. To think that between him and me this was a planned endeavour. But how does one exactly plan something like this?

What was I looking for? An answer, erasure, an escape?

Was this supposed to be assisted suicide in hopes of achieving exactly that... but the outcome was this instead? Or was the plan all along, to start over? Why would he want to, why would he give up all of this?

It is my mind. THIS is MY mind, even though I am considering the idea but it all falls flat in my eyes. Nothing more than a cheap escape, but escape what? Was there something there? Is there something there?

Or was he depressed? How does one feel alone when you are surrounded by these people? People who cared for you so desperately. Maybe I was right, he was a coward. That is what I find amusing about all of this, that his decision is pissing me off as I am running it through my head.

Almost have half a mind of killing those memories for good if it was possible. Ekko was right, if I have to make a choice the easiest one to do is to kill everything I was and build something new from the ashes.

This is it. This one single moment of clarity did more for me than anyone has so far... it made me realise that my memories, all of those have been squandered due to a coward's way out.  I asked for closure and who else to break the veil than me myself and I? Though I'd have preferred to learn this on my own, and without someone else ever hearing about it.

How will Akali react? Will she react at all? Or in some weird twist of fate, would she blame me for doing this to myself? I watch the two of them out of the corner of my eye as I finally take a step out of my head to join their conversation.

"Are you okay?" Ahri tilts her head, she can probably see the same hint of sadness in her forced smile. "Did something happen?"

Akali glances at me, "No... just..."

"No, I get it," Ahri smiles at her. Then looking at me, "Sorry this might be jarring but this isn't the easiest thing to do in the world."

I offer her a smile, "I know... I can't begin to understand how terrible it must feel to act differently around the person you've been with for years. Almost like a heartbreak." But this one hurts a little bit more because there was never a confrontation... it just died out in a whisper.

"We'll make it through, even if things have to change."

Akali looks at her, "Ahri-"

"We'll talk about it more when we can afford to talk about it, properly, and with him," Ahri gestures at me.

Akali nods slowly, "Probably for the best, no point getting our hopes up."

Ahri waves at the two of us, "I have to get going, have some important meetings to get to but I'll be back within the hour. Do you mind Akali helping you get settled at all?"

I flash a smile. "I'd appreciate some help settling in."

"You heard him," she winks at Akali. "Take care of him for us."

"I will," she says it like a promise. Ahri leaves the room and Akali's facade drops almost instantly as she takes a step back and rests against the table. "Fucking... no way. There's no way that it plays out like that."

I watch her with a pained expression. "Akali..." I try to talk to her but my voice is nothing louder than a squeak.

"All the times we fought, even... no... but..." the frustration is piling up quickly. "What-"

I lift myself out of the chair, she looks at me with this betrayed glare. Her watery eyes make me hesitate but despite that, I try to reach out to her. She brushes my hand aside, "Why? Why would you..." Her glare is directed at me, her arms stiffen, and she balls her fists. A moment later her glare softens and with a whimper, she chuckles at the situation.  "Damnit. Damnit... it... what was it supposed to be then? Suicide? Is this just our luck that you are still here?"

"Akali..." She lifts her hands to her face, wiping away frustrated heartbroken tears with the palms of her hands. "It..." I bite down on my lip as I force the words out, "I'm still here."

Without a word, she steps forward, and her body collapses into me. She wraps her arms around my shoulders... the type of hug you'd give someone you haven't seen for years. Someone you've missed forever. But is this anything more than hugging the corpse of someone you once loved?

I feel dirty for using those words.

I'm still here.

It is foul.

"Please just tell me this is some sick and twisted fucking joke, I promise I'll laugh. I promise that I won't start throwing punches because it stopped being funny. I just need you to tell me right now that what I just heard wasn't true. That you wouldn't just do that to us, that you'd walk out on us for whatever reason. When you knew... you knew that we'd do anything to make sure you had all the support you needed."

"I don't think I can tell you what you want to hear without lying, Akali."

"I know that I can't even blame you. You don't even know why you did it... we don't even know if you did something to make this happen. We don't know shit..." She pulls away from me, her hands resting on my shoulders. "I can't tell them this... I don't have it in me, (Y/N)."

"I'll do it-"

She shakes her head, "Not until we know why. I... I don't want to keep this from them either but if we don't even know why then what's the point telling them something that couldn't even be true?"

What are the odds of that? She's trying to be hopeful, but from where I am standing... I feel like it is pretty obvious. But I still don't know why, I don't know how. Maybe she is right.

But I have yet to make a decision, I have yet to make that choice.

Evelynn said that I'd be the same person regardless of the outcome, that amnesia rarely is permanent and one of these days it will all come back to me. Then, despite my fear of fading away, I'll continue forward with the thought that I am who I want to be.

Time will determine if we are the same person, but I have decided to use this opportunity. I have a feeling this is what he would have wanted, I'd be a fool to squander it hoping to get my memories back and become what I was.

A coward.

In a sense, I will become better. I don't have the slightest idea how, nor do I know if these girls will be in the same picture. But what I have because of you, you sad bastard, I won't walk away from them the same way you did.

And if they blame me for it? Then so be it.

Because who else is there to blame?